


God’s plan

by Inasmerthur



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Dark Merlin, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21941998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inasmerthur/pseuds/Inasmerthur
Summary: Arthur comes back after 1500 years to merlin.DONT READ THIS! ITS AWFULLY WRITTEN I DONT KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING 🤦🏻♀️ I have a lovely Drarry on Wattpad, though - In Slytherin, You’ll Meet Your Real Friends.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amal/gifts).



> I suggest you read it while listening to moonlight sonata by Beethoven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -" loving you forever cant be wrong  
> Even though you’re not here i won’t move on.  
> And there’s no remedy for memory  
> Your face is like a melody  
> It wont leave my head  
> Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine.  
> But i wish i was dead ( dead like you).  
> Everytime i close my eyes its like a dark paradise no one compares to you , im scared that you wont be waiting on the other side."  
> Lana del rey ( dark paradise ) .

Chapitre 1

-" In that dark eternity , in that long wait , like  
sunshine you fell down to me.  
Before i let go of you , i didn’t know that the world i was in was this lonely.  
Pretty flowers bloomed and then withered away here , but the season of you never came again.  
I started to become greedy i wanted to live with you , grow old with you , hold your wrinkled hands and talk about how warm my life has been .  
I will never forget you  
Someday we will meet again and it’ll be our happiest day and i will go to you like the first snow.  
I will go to you."  
Ailee ( I’ll go to you like the first snow).

Its been 500 years since that day , the day my world collapsed and crashed me , i wish i could say and killed me but it didn’t ,it fucking didn’t ... so surprise surprise I’m immortal but just to clarify immortal as in can’t die not invincible so i could get hurt and bleed and almost die , almost ... i can survive anything , i learned that the hard way of course ...in that day i died too , not biologically but i still died inside i just layed there on that fucking lake by the shore for days i don’t really remember everything since that day and the first two or three years that followed , i do vaguely remember being picked up from the lake and taken to Camelot i didn’t talk and i didn’t really need to , gwen only needed to take one look at me to know what happened , i left the night of the funeral with no goal no direction i just kept walking and walking and walking i slept whenever or wherever i felt tired didn’t remember to eat or drink for weeks didn’t light up fire to warm myself up or keep predators away didn’t care about the fact that i was sleeping out in the open in woods full of bandits , i just really honestly didn’t care , didn’t even think , i don’t think i thought about anything in those years I’d forget to blink , hell sometimes id forget to breathe and only wake up from my haze by a burning sensation in my lungs , i felt nothing but numbness couldn’t cry , couldn’t do anything i just walked and walked , i remember running into bandits and getting the shit kicked out of me , broken ribs broken bones broken everything i remember just laying on the ground unable to move and then getting up again and continuing walking in a few minutes like nothing happened when i shouldn’t be able to properly heal for weeks i guess i should’ve noticed then that something was wrong but i just never really cared so i just kept walking it was only when one day i hit a dead end i reached the end of the forest and i was standing on a high cliff with just water underneath it for as far as i could see so i figured well this is it and i jumped . the water was ice cold and i started sinking i closed my eyes i was drowning and i didn’t fight it my lungs burned from the water filling them and the lack of oxygen and then the world went black i thought this was it im coming arthur. And then i felt a horrible burning sensation in my lungs and throat and i still wouldn’t fight it i thought just a little just a little bit more and it’ll all be over soon , the pain was agonizing and after about what felt like hours i realized what was happening i cant die , i panicked , before the drowning and not dying i didn’t actually think about dying , like i said my mind was empty , blank , the thought that i can end this pain and be with arthur again by dying didn’t really occur to me because well i WASNT THINKING but now that it had occurred to me and that i know about this possibility and that i also know that its no longer a possibility for me i lost my shit i started screaming under water i swam up and then conjured a boat and hopped on it i was panting like crazy but not because of the fact that I’ve been under water for more than an hour but because of this new immortal merlin bullshit , i couldn’t believe it so i conjured a dagger and stabbed my self in the heart with no hesitation , i felt something far more than pain it was terrible i couldn’t even scream the blade pierced my heart i could feel it and i kept feeling it i started bleeding i thought hopefully maybe i was wrong after all so i ripped the knife out to bleed out and then just like that i stopped bleeding and i watched my wound heal in a matter of seconds i was so shocked i fainted - i shit you not i did - it was nighttime almost dawn maybe and when i woke up again it was night again probably slept for a day from the state of my clothes they were dry now . And ever since then i started trying to kill myself i tried everything i felt like fucking shit i felt horrible , not from the constant suicide attempts and the pain that came with them but from thinking that im failing arthur , kilgarrah said he would rise again and obviously the reason i suddenly became immortal had to do with that but ever since i snapped out of my numbness and emptiness and emotionlessness that were caused by shock and started thinking about how beautiful and peaceful death is i couldn’t stop trying , on my 1739472929 attempt when i tried to take my life with the deadliest snake venom and i simply throw it all up after an agonizing few hours of poison working its way to my heart i broke down and started sobbing and screaming and then the idea came to me i need excalibur i need EXCALIBUR excalibur can kill anything but the problem is excalibur is with arthur in Avalon ... so i figured ill make a new one i knew this was really it and i really wanted it to be excalibur , arthur’s sword ...but that wasn’t an option and then it hit me the memory of arthur asking me what do girls like as gifts when he wanted to get morgana something for her birthday and i told him that they liked beautiful things so he got her that beautiful dagger that she later tried to use to kill uther i was determined to get it i knew it was in the vaults in camelot . it had been almost 3 years since i left camelot i felt terrible for only thinking about going back to get the dagger and die , felt terrible for not thinking about gaius or gwen or gwaine - he didn’t die that day he was just badly hurt and lost his memory of the last days because of morgana’s torture , i saw him at the funeral - or percival or leon i was so selfish and disgusting and it made me want to die even more -if it was possible to want to die more than i did - and above all i felt scared going back for the first time after what happened with my mind fully working this time i was terrified but i knew i had to do it ... i went at late night when everyone was asleep , i wanted to see them one last time but i didn’t want them to see me . the moment i stepped foot in the citadel and saw the castle i felt dizzy and the world started spinning around me spinning so fast and i felt like someone dropped the weight of the world on my shoulders and like every single human was stepping at my chest at once and all the memories of me and arthur started coming at me from every direction , me and arthur training or mostly arthur training using me as a punching bag , memories of arthur putting me in a headlock and ruffling my hair , memories of putting arthur into his armour to prepare him for training or a tournament or battle or one of our missions against sorcerers threatening the safety of the people of Camelot , i thought of all the near death experiences and the threats and the dark times we went through but they all felt like happy memories now , all of them , because now i know that what really mattered and what really matters and what will always matter is having each other now i know that i would willingly and happily run to hell’s open doors with Arthur I’d jump into a lion’s mouth with Arthur I’d be against the whole wide world with arthur until the very end of time i would die for arthur and if i can’t I’d die with him and that thought brought me back to reality , when did i fall on my knees ? When did i start crying ? I didn’t remember so i got up and took a deep breath and headed towards the vaults i made the guards fall into deep sleep with a swing of my hand and a flash of golden eyes opened the vaults’ gates with the same motion i located the dagger easily and left , i went to where the knights slept i muffled the sounds of my footsteps with magic , the door to the knights chambers flew open soundlessly with a flash of gold from my eyes i stepped in and watched how they were peacefully sleeping i didn’t realize how much i missed gwaine till i layed eyes on him , he seemed well ...beard well trimmed and taken care of , his hair was the same length as always handsome as ever he didn’t age much , curled up in his bed warm and sleeping deeply and calmly i thought about the last time i slept like that it was back when i still lived here the thought made my eyes sting and i felt tears gathering in my eyes i blinked them away and stared at gwaine for a little longer , thought about lancelot god i missed lancelot but I wouldn’t have to wait much long im about to join arthur and him i gathered my courage and watched gwaine inhale and exhale slowly a couple of times and then shifted my attention to percival he seemed good too and then with one more stare at gwaine i turned around and left closing the door behind me with a flash of gold again , i needed to see gwen next , sweet caring beautiful gwen , my friend gwen , i felt so sorry for her i left her when she needed me the most but i knew staying would’ve only made things worse there was nothing we could have done for each other i couldn’t help her and she most certainly couldn’t and could never help me , im hopeless whereas she has a chance to be happy again i don’t doubt that she loved arthur and he loved her but she wasn’t his other side of the coin she wasn’t his other half , his destiny she wasn’t born for him , if i stayed i would’ve only held her back and made her feel guilty for inevitably moving on while i didn’t.  
i stood in front of her chambers ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS it wasn’t really standing i was more like frozen i forgot to breathe again - it became kind of a habit i still forget to breathe even now centuries later- and then like at the castle’s doors memories came crashing into me , so many memories at the same time each one demanding my total and absolute attention i kept spinning my head in every direction watching me and arthur sneaking in the corridors in the middle of the night probably going on some secret life endangering mission ..., me running towards arthur’s chambers with his breakfast and me running out of his chambers with piles of laundry in my hands then arthur throwing stuff at me and missing when he was the best knight in the 5 kingdoms and could easily hit me from an even further distance then me pulling the curtains and waking him up saying lets have you laisy daisy it was all so beautiful and overwhelming and i missed it god i fucking missed it , i was crying again and smiling like a madman , when the visions stopped i felt my heart stop with them i never wanted them to stop i wished they’d go on forever but they did and i was engulfed with nostalgia and grief and sorrow and i just knew i really had to do it i had to be with him again so i pushed the door to his chambers and slipped in Gwen was sleeping oblivious to my intrusion beautiful as always curly dark brown hair covering her shoulders and back like an extra blanket but she wasn’t alone next to her i could see sir leon i couldn’t help but smile at them i knew then that i had made the right choice when i left , gwen moved on and found love again and it made me feel better -to know that my friends we’re doing good - about taking my life , feeling like I’m invading their privacy i swiftly turned around and left closing the doors behind me like i was never there .

I strode off towards the court physicians chambers : Gaius ... the father i never had . I was thinking that all i needed was go see him and quickly get out of the citadel head to the woods summon Aithusa to forge the blade in her breath - i knew kilgarrah would refuse to help he was weak and dying anyways i could feel it despite not seeing him ever since that day when he told me about the prophecy i guess that’s part of being a dragonlord -and then stab myself in the heart and go to Arthur ,i started running to gaius’s chambers i wanted to see arthur as fast as possible i wasn’t about to wait anymore . when i got there i noticed that the room changed it was cold and lonely and empty and lifeless i felt sorry for gaius for leaving him then and for leaving him again now but i had no choice i wasn’t about to stay here when i could be with arthur again .  
Gaius wasnt in his bed i figured he was in the woods picking up some herbs for his medical potions it was almost dawn so i turned to leave feeling sad that I’d never get to say goodbye to him... , but just before i reached the door i heard a familiar voice calling my name i turned around and gaius was running out of my old room towards me i figured he was using it because it was the closest thing from me he had and i felt shame for what I’ve done and for what im about to do . He hugged me tight and i hugged me back the tears started falling from my eyes instantly i cried rivers and he didn’t say a word we hugged until i stopped crying and when we pulled away i looked at him properly and saw that he aged 10 years in those 2 or almost 3 years since ive been away , i felt a strong wave of guilt inside of me.  
\- « merlin ma boy where were you for god’s sake ?? » Gaius said .  
\- I tried to gather my strength and my voice to answer him which wasn’t easy because i haven’t really used it aside from the screaming during and after my failed suicide attempts « I’m sorry , im so sorry gaius » i said in a rusty voice .  
\- « Just sit down first...we’ll talk about it later if you don’t feel like it we have all the time in the world what matters is that you’re back now ... that’s all that matters » gaius said gently leading me to a chair to sit down.  
\- I felt terrible really really really terrible but it is what it is . « I’m .. I’m not back gaius , I’m sorry i really am terribly sorry but I’ve only came here to say goodbye I’m leaving for good this time im going to Arthur » i said crying again.  
\- « What ?? What are you talking about Merlin there’s no where for you to go Arthur is dead he’s gone , merlin please ».  
\- « No gaius you don’t understand the great dragon said that arthur will rise again when albion needs him , and i ...ive become immortal so i can’t wait to just naturally die to be with him again I WILL NEVER DIE so what’s the point in waiting i need to go to him now i know its selfish and i know that i should stay and wait for him because he will rise again otherwise why make me immortal but i just can’t do it i die everyday knowing he’s not there with me i have a plan a blade forged in a dragon’s breath can kill anyone and anything i will die and go to him gaius and stay with him until it’s time for him to rise again and then I’ll beg the gods to let me rise with him again and protect and help him like always we can be together again gaius, forever . » i said sobbing and choking on my own tears i even wondered if gaius understood me with all the choked sobs but he did from the shocked and horrified expression on his face , he grabbed my hand and gave me a sad smile.  
\- « i know about the prophecy merlin and you’re right arthur will rise again and if you’re immortal then that confirms it even more which means Merlin son ... Arthur is not in the hereafter because he’s not really dead he’s somewhere else waiting to rise again and if you kill yourself you’ll be dead for good and therefore in the hereafter not wherever arthur is . You are going to have to choose between your peace which is in death or Arthur. » that came as one hell of a fucking shock to me I’ll spare you the details but obviously without hesitation or second thoughts whatsoever i chose arthur i chose to wait for him no matter how much it takes , i stayed in Camelot with gaius and gwen and my friends my life then mostly consisted of spending every day working with gaius keeping myself busy and working myself too much so I’d be tired and sleep and not overthink arthur or worse dream about him only to wake up and find that he’s not there ,-those days were terrible I’d wake up sobbing and with a sever chest pain I’d stay in bed for days not able to move and taking sleeping potions that gaius made for me to sleep and not think and not dream and ease the pain- and I’d spend my free time -which wasn’t really because i wanted it gwen made me take days off she said i was a workaholic or something of course she didn’t know the real reason i was a great actor , after all i lied and convinced everyone including arthur that i was just a stupid clumsy servant for a decade when im the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth - in the lake of Avalon just staring at it talking to it sometimes begging for a miracle and i guess that’s when it started , the voice , Arthur’s voice , i remember the first time i heard it i was in the lake staring again I’m pretty sure i had a heart attack - but obviously and sadly didn’t die- Arthur’s voice had said my name i got up and started screaming his name and running in every direction looking for him i even ran into the icy cold lake water searching for him crying and laughing while literally drowning in the lake water only to find nothing .nothing. Nothing at all and then i heard it again and again it started talking to me i understood it was only in my head i knew i was going mad but i loved it , i was going crazy but it made me feel sane , it made me keep going i had to hide the fact that i was hearing an imaginary arthur in my head especially from gaius who by then i managed to fool too and convince that i had moved on , and then I started seeing arthur , madness is truly a blessing i still see him now four hundred years later and its safe to say that even imaginary Arthur is the person that had mattered and still matters the most to me .  
One night years after i came back to camelot gaius died in his sleep it was really devastating and made me worse if it was possible to get worse . then in what seems now like a few hours in my immortal life gwen died too then gwaine then Camelot fell and i went mad completely i know that you think a mad person wouldn’t know that they’re mad but i know i was and i know i still am i guess that’s one of the perks of being immortal , i like it though I’m much better now because i see imaginary arthur and talk to him all the time those first years were torture without him , i even remember.... 

i snapped my diary shut and throw it across the room "pathetic" i muttered , " sad , no no no no BORING yes yes boring is the right  
Word " .


	2. Chapter 2

Chapitre 2

-"never planned that one day ill be losing you .  
Never one without the other we made a pact .  
In another life i would make you stay so i dont have to say you were the one that got away.  
All this money can’t buy me a time machine.   
I cant replace you with a million ring.  
I should’ve told you what you meant to me because now i pay the price .  
In another life ..."  
Katy perry ( the one that got away).

i snapped my diary shut and throw it across the room "pathetic" i muttered , " sad , no no no no BORING yes yes boring is the right  
Word " .   
I was so young this was back when i only had 400 years give or take , so young writing felt really good then , it made me feel better getting it all out ... but not anymore i remember exactly when i stopped writing it was around 1645 when the witch hunts were over ... the witch hunts were really what made me like this .   
or was it really the witch hunts ? Maybe it was the despair , i had waited for arthur to return for exactly a thousand years then , i knew he wasn’t coming back but i refused to believe it i kept denying the undeniable i kept pushing that thought away and imaginary arthur wasn’t helping he kept nagging at me kept telling me to move on , he kept telling me to let it all go and stop waiting he told me that maybe immortality was a gift from the gods as a thank you for everything I’ve done he kept telling me that a 1000 years was more than enough and that i should stop wasting my life and be grateful and live to the fullest... i argued that i haven’t wasted time I’m the wealthiest man on the planet but i knew what arthur meant he meant finding love and happiness joy ... and all the other stupid sentiments after living as much as i did it’s safe to say that love is weakness especially loving mortals their lives are so short and meaningless and I’ll be happy when HE’S back but imaginary arthur wouldn’t take no for an answer and for the first time i didn’t want to be mad anymore i didn’t want to hear what imaginary arthur was saying i refused to believe it but there was no running away from imaginary arthur he was in my head i could see him all the time he was with me everywhere and anywhere he used to keep me ... "ME" along with writing and the hope that arthur would rise again but the doubt he was starting to plant in my head was dangerous the thought that this was some new sick fucking game the gods were playing at , the thought that i was their little stupid toy again , the thought that maybe once again I’ve been foolish enough to believe their bullshit about destiny i mean they did screw me and arthur once ...maybe this was a twisted sick punishment of theirs , punishing me for failing arthur , maybe they blame me for what happened , then again I blame me too for what happened all i had to do was kill the druid boy i can’t believe how weak and pathetic i was all i had was swing my hand and he’d be dead but even though i am to blame this was cruel imaginary arthur was wrong if he was right and arthur really wasn’t coming back then this immortality was NO GIFT .  
hope is the most dangerous thing dangerous if you don’t have it and even more dangerous to have it only to find out you never did.

And the doubt along with the witch hunts contributed strongly into who i am today .   
I was really not in a good place because of the doubt and all the madness and frustration and anger and the especially the fear , the fear... the fear that i might never see arthur again . that really made me on edge and then the witch hunts started i was obviously still living by the lake i had a manor house there , i owned the lake and all the lands surrounding it , and i was old really old really really really old and tired i aged like humans but i could always go back to being in my twenties like the day arthur left , i did do it every 60 years or so just so people wouldn’t get suspicious because even though magic was pretty normal back then immortality wasn’t but despite having a young body my soul was a thousand years old therefore i couldn’t bring myself to take care of my house so i hired humans to work for me . when you live as much as i did everything seems so tiny and meaningless and BORING so boring time goes by so slowly and ive seen everything and i know everything and I’ve done everything at least a million times and whats the point of all the lands and the jewels and the gold if not to ease my suffering a little , humans think money is happiness but little do they know riches only helps us hide how poor we really are .   
Most of the humans in the nearby village worked for me some in the fields some in the house some in my farms i didn’t interact with them really they did their jobs and i paid them well . Then came this weird deadly fever that wiped out half the country , the church had the people believe that the fever wasn’t natural and that there was witchcraft involved the church was really powerful back then what the priests said no matter how absurd it was meant the law and the absolute truth to the people so they panicked and fear made them doubt each other it was chaos people lost their shit they started accusing each other , the government supported the church’s claims and started the witch trials , a lot of humans were burned at the stake alive most of them innocents too there wasn’t much sorcerers in the world in that time - sorcerers started being born less and less with time until they became very rare - i didn’t really do something mortals problems are mortals problems -I’ve became what old me would call indifferent - i simply didn’t really care .

and then on one faithful night the mortals working for me along with other villagers and government workers betrayed me and attacked me in my own home , it was really really really funny it was hilarious i didn’t fight them i laughed so much it was literally the first time in a thousand years i laughed from the bottom of my dark little dead heart i laughed while they were dragging me i laughed throughout my short little trial i mean there was no need for one there were more than a 100 people who can testify against me , everyone knew i had magic i used it all the time ... i even let them tie me to the stake and burn me because of how desperately i wanted to see the look on their eyes when i dont die i couldn’t stop laughing and literally crying because of how fun and hilarious the whole situation was , funny little stupid mortals the laughing made them even more sure of my guilt so they set me on fire that i enchanted to feel cold instead of hot it was the same color so they didn’t know what i was doing and i started screaming with laughter because of the look on their faces , i felt alive and believe or not for the first time in over a thousand years i felt excitement , so after laughing like crazy in the middle of the fire for like half an hour i easily broke free from the ropes tying me with a flash of gold and well , burned them all down EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM their screams were like music to my ears i could still here them even now .  
the thought made me smile .  
I enjoyed killing them so much i felt good i felt the closest thing to happiness possible for someone like me - real happiness is arthur - but then imaginary arthur started nagging at me again it’s quite exhausting really to fight with yourself because imaginary arthur is exactly that imaginary arthur... he was just me , the "good" me the boring me i mean honestly what’s the difference between good and evil ? Right and wrong ? There’s none . morals are defined by society today slavery is wrong a few centuries ago it wasn’t , in the past people were killed for their religious beliefs today they’re not ... most humans don’t realize this because very few changes occur in their lifetimes but me , i lived for 1532 years i think that gives me every right to choose what’s wrong and what’s right for me .   
And killing made me feel alive i felt excited it wasn’t boring i was sick of writing i was sick of listening to the crap about moving on imaginary arthur kept talking about and all i could think about was blood and the music - the screaming - i heard that night .   
Fast forward to world war one 1914 it was crazy then , chaotic it was pretty serious more than anything I’ve seen before especially with the new weapons and technology , i think i was the only who saw hope in it because it was one hell of a war devastating and catastrophic , a war like no other before , i was certain this was what kilgarrah talked about in the prophecy , i was certain arthur would rise again he was NEEDED HERE .   
I remember siting on the lake’s shore every day when i literally lived less than 50m away i just didn’t want the walls of my house to be standing in the way , i wanted to be there for him when he comes back i wanted to be the first face he sees , a familiar face . i waited for him everyday for four years until the war ended , even then i didn’t lose hope because things were still bad in the world , the air was tense , everyone was on edge , everyone knew it wasn’t over , i knew that the war wasn’t over and i was right , a few years later and to my delight world war 2 started in 1939 it was just beautiful , more dead people more need for arthur to rise , i was so hopeful i was so sure ...  
and then just like that the war ended.  
I knew right then and there that imaginary arthur was right this was a game to the gods .  
It broke me into tiny little pieces i went back to feeling numb and empty and dead like i was at first when arthur had just died , i wanted to die more than i have ever wanted anything in my life -besides arthur’s return- i was angry so so so so angry i wanted and i needed revenge , revenge from the gods . I have become so powerful over the years i could make it rain i could make it snow i could create life and i could take it i could do anything imaginable im pretty sure not even the gods can handle me anymore , as i age my power grows stronger too , i knew the gods loved humans and they loved me even more , we we’re their little toys we kept them entertained they must get bored too , chaos and blood and lies must make them feel alive too , so i figured all i had to do was take their fucking toys away and especially their favorite toy ME . I’m immortal but im also incredibly powerful in a matter of time id be able to make a blade that kills anything without a dragon’s help so i figured in the mean time while gathering power to take away the big Toy I’ll entertain myself with taking away the little toys , creating epidemics and mass murdering and wars was pretty fun at first but at some point that too became boring , i needed something challenging to pass time until im powerful enough to forge the blade and take my life and the whole human race with it .  
And thats how i started my business its pretty fun actually im an assassin i kill the untouchables , the unkillables , the "important" mortals - i have a hard time understanding that how can a filthy little mortal be important ???-, its even more fun because the humans i get paid to kill - not that i need the money i own half the malls in London plus so many lands and properties i honestly lost count - are tricky , smart , powerful but what makes it even MORE exciting is the fact that no one ever knows the cause of death because magic doesn’t leave any traces and they all blame it on nature causes but my clients and i , know those humans were actually murdered , what i love about this business is the fact that no one asks questions and everyone is anonymous so they dont go following me around asking how i did it , and the fact that i always kill leaving no trace I’ve become the king of the hitmen’s world i am the best assassin in the planet you wouldn’t believe how fun it is , except the part where i have to survey the victim for a few months just to be careful - not that i need to be careful i could just kill everyone who saw me if i get caught but then the cops would suspect its a murder despite not knowing how it happened and i wouldn’t be able to watch their stupid oblivious faces announcing the normal passing away of another important person on the news and honestly where’s the fun in that ??? - but i don’t actually have to survey i have humans working for me who do that , and other humans work as an intermediary between me and my clients they do everything i just have to show up flash my eyes gold and leave , Ive started this business about 12 years ago when i got bored from the epidemics and "natural" disasters.   
Today is the 26th of july 2012   
Someone is knocking on my library door "WHAT " i yelled , i hated to be interrupted while thinking , and i do quite a lot of thinking .  
Two of my employees came inside wearing suits , i like to keep it professional i mean after all i call it a business when in reality we kill people...  
\- " excuse me sir , we have a new client , the target is congress man david..."  
\- " Stop , just stop , get out " i said quietly   
\- " I’m sorry sir is something wrong ?"  
\- " yes yes there is , THIS IS BORING , BOOOOORING i dont fuck around with pathetic congressmen YOU KNOW THAT " i yelled .  
\- "Sir he’s going to be chosen to be the prime minister he is with the governing political party its only a matter of time ."  
\- " Oh , alright so get to the point " i said  
\- " he knows a lot of people in the buckingham palace and there are rumors he’s friends with prince ..."  
\- " STOP I SAID GET TO THE POINT TELL ME WHAT MATTERS GOD DAMN IT " I yelled again.  
\- " what do you mean sir "  
\- " sir since someone wants him dead that tells us that this someone isn’t exactly good , and if this someone isn’t good then there’s a good chance this someone’s intentions aren’t good too , so this soon to be prime minister ‘s death isn’t going to serve the country well" my other female employee said i liked her better she was smart.  
\- " these are just speculations hannah , i need facts" i said calmly   
\- " of course sir we’ll look more into this we’ll let you know soon " . 

They left and closed the door after them , i was bored really really really bored and very very angry the gods will have to answer for all of this after being able to forge the blade and take aways the gods’ little toys and their favorite big toy me , i will cross to the hereafter and burn them to the ground -the thought made me smile - i am powerful I’ve become even more powerful than the gods if i could face them i am confident The victory would be mine , they haven’t tried to stop me in all those years where i caused chaos and famine and epidemics , -the gods aren’t fair and kind and just like mortals believe , no they’re sick twisted selfish control freaks they would never have left me interfere in mortals lives and destinies they would have killed me if they could , they know im getting powerful by the second and soon ill be able to have my revenge -, the reason why they didn’t is simply because they’re too weak . They should have just killed me a long time a go while they could but they couldn’t give up on their toy and soon they will regret that . They should have just let me die with arthur , arthur , arthur , arthur, arthur , arthur , i miss arthur so much more than anything else in this whole wide world i would gladly go burn in hell for an eternity if i could just see him one last time , imaginary arthur is always here with me , i know he doesn’t approve of what i do and im really sorry for not doing as he says but I’m doing this for us , im doing this for him , this is our revenge , we deserved better HE DESERVED BETTER , I And ONLY I was the weak one they should have killed me and let him be , arthur was young and innocent and didn’t know anything about his destiny , about my magic ... , he didn’t know , HE DIDNT so why punish him when i was the one who failed , i would die for arthur happily i wish they would have given me the chance , i would have taken all the blame and died and went to hell and they could’ve played with me in hell forever and i wouldn’t complain , just the thought that arthur is alive and well is all I’ve ever needed . I just wanted him to be alive and well and happy i just wanted to protect him and be by his side always and die next to him of old age arthur is everything to me my memories of this 1500 years are vague but the ones from our time in camelot , i remember them like they were only yesterday i wish i ....a burning sensation a loud scream and i fainted. 

I could hear words , people talking, a hand on my neck cheek , someone was waking me up but why ? What happened ? Oh i fainted , something is different , something is definitely different whats going on ?? i opened my eyes there was my employees hannah and liam and some other humans i didn’t really bother to remember their names , hannah looked worried i smiled at her reassuringly and accepted her help to get on my feet and then i bursted into laughter so loudly so so so loudly i was screaming.  
\- " IM READY AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA I AM READY , IM FUCKING READY ITS OVER ITS FINALLY OVER , IM COMING FOR YOU I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU " i said laughing like crazy while looking at the sky .   
\- " sir are you alright ? " hannah said worried .   
\- " oh dont worry about it , its time hannah i have to go im sorry , thank you for everything. " i said while smiling broadly.  
\- " what do you mean sir do you ..."   
I kissed her on the cheek and ran out of my library towards my vaults downstairs where i keep arthur’s dagger , i really liked her , too bad she’s gonna die she‘s one of the smart ones probably the only human i liked in centuries , she was useful maybe i could spare her ? Nah i doubt she’ll wont to be the only survivor she probably has loved ones too she’ll go mad without them i wouldn’t do that to her i know of all people that being the only one who survived is the greatest torture possible , but not for long I’ll soon have my revenge and Rest In Peace.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapitre 3  
-" i have died everyday waiting for you  
Darling don’t be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years and I’ll love you for a thousand more.  
Time stands still...  
I will not let anything take aways what’s standing in front of me  
Every breath every hour had come to this .  
One step closer , i have died every day waiting for you , darling dont be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years and I’ll love you for a thousand more .  
All along i believed i would find you , time has brought your heart to me and I’ve loved you for a thousand years and I’d love you for a thousand more ."  
Christina Perri ( thousand years ).

I reached the vaults , grabbed the dagger and ran out to the lake , i stood facing the lake , i enchanted the dagger and YES YES YES YES it worked i could feel it deep in my bones , this was really it , imaginary arthur was there he wasn’t talking , he was just staring at me with sad blue eyes i hated that look i never want him to be sad I’d do anything for him but he’s not real , they took him away and I will make them pay and then just fucking stop existing , i gave imaginary arthur a little smile and grabbed the dagger with both hands aiming at my heart and with one last look at imaginary arthur i ... i .. my head , my head is going to explode , i can’t hear i can’t see i can’t talk i can’t move it was all darkness and pain and then i heard something , water splashing, what does that mean ?? I paid more attention and i heard struggling... someone was struggling for breath in the water , what is this some kind of dream why now ?? And then the struggling became louder and then my vision became clear and i could move again i opened my eyes and turns out i wasn’t dreaming and a blond head is struggling in the water .  
I ran to him with a flash of gold i made a path through the water, when there’s no water to drown him he fell on his knees to the ground i ran to him , that was arthur , that was arthur still in his armour like the day he died with excalibur next to him he was panting and gasping for air , i fell in front of him and grabbed his shoulders .  
\- "ARTHUR , ARTHUR IS THIS REALLY YOU" he looked at me with his beautiful ocean eyes and said my name , and then i felt my heart beating for the first time since he died , i never noticed that it wasn’t beating i wonder why ? But it doesn’t matter nothing matters anymore , arthur is back .  
I started crying like crazy and throw my arms around his neck and hugged him sooooooo tight like my life depended on it and IT DID , he hugged me back tapping and drawing cercles in my back like how you comfort a little crying child and that made me cry even more i cried and hugged him for a long time and then pulled away to look at him and held his hands , arthur didn’t protest he looked genuinely worried about me and that made me sob hysterically.  
\- " Arthur you came back you’re here I ..." i stopped talking mid-sentence because i just noticed how cold arthur felt , he was shivering.  
\- " oh my god arthur im sorry , im so sorry , you’re freezing , come on lets go home".  
He just gave me a faint smile he was clearly unable to talk or walk so i helped him up and put his arm around my shoulder to support him and we walked towards my manor , we got in and i was met by a handful of my employees.  
-" sir are you okey ? We called the doctor he’s here ". Liam said while looking with wide eyes at Arthur in his armour.  
-" hannah tell everyone to leave the house now " , " please " i added after seeing the hesitated look on her eyes .  
They immediately obeyed and i took arthur to his room , of course he has a room , this house was old , I’ve made arthur the room way before the world wars and therefore before thinking he will never come back , I never could bring myself to remove it even though it killed me to walk by it everyday knowing he wasn’t there but now HE IS , HE IS BACK WHERE HE BELONGS WITH ME. I started crying again tears of joy tears of happiness, the room was Camelot style i made sure of it , most of the stuff there were from Arthur’s royal chambers , with a flash of gold i made the room dustless and clean , opened the windows and the door to the bathroom i got arthur in there , filled the tub with warm water and removed Arthur’s armour and clothes , help him in the tub and washed his hair and body just like the old times in Camelot, arthur looked better , he stopped shivering and his lips weren’t blue anymore , i helped him out of the bath dried him up , and helped him out of the bathroom , put him on the bed to go get him some clothes from my room , he grabbed my wrist so i wouldn’t go i looked at his face , he seemed scared , i felt so helpless what can i do to make him feel better ??? I figured he just needed time and he needs me so i conjured clothes from my room with a flash of golden eyes and helped him wear them , and then i tucked him into bed and covered him with warm blankets it was the middle of summer but he was cold .  
-" how are you feeling ? " i said smiling reassuringly.  
-" better " he mumbled.  
I HAVE MISSED HIS VOICE , imaginary arthur was nothing compared to real breathing , alive , safe , NOT DEAD , Arthur that was in front of me .  
-"i think you should get some sleep you’ll feel better in the morning , I’ll be here if you need me " .  
I grabbed a chair and sat next to him holding his hand , he smiled and went to sleep .  
My heart was beating so so so so fast like it wanted to do all the beating it didn’t beat for the past centuries in one day . I started crying again i put my free hand on my face to silence the sobbing i didn’t want to wake him up , but apparently i have , because he squeezed my hand comfortingly .  
I watched him sleep all night i watched him inhale and exhale for hours i would watch him breathe for eternity, this was arthur, the human being that matters the most to me , nah that’s an understatement THE HUMAN BEING I LOVE , no , there are no words to describe what i feel for him , i was born for him i lived for him and i died for him , i didn’t live after him i was barely existing i mean my own heart wasn’t beating for fuck’s sake , but now that He’s back everything will change , im no longer the merlin he knew but i can pretend to still be him , i can do it , For Arthur , he needs me , the old me , this new me is too dark for him , Arthur is too pure , sunshine practically radiates from him .  
Arthur is all I’ve ever had and all i have and now im all he has too .  
Why would the gods send him now ? Well obviously because as it turns out the prophecy was right arthur would rise again when albion needs him the most , its no coincidence that he came back the moment i was going to destroy life on earth , they know my weakness... like i always say love is weakness , so Arthur is my greatest weakness .  
I cant believe how sick they are THEY MADE ME LIKE THIS , its unbelievable.  
But they’re stupid because now that Arthur is back to me i won’t kill myself but that doesn’t mean i won’t kill all the other toys , Arthur and i can be together and have the whole planet to ourselves. its true that i cant do it if arthur doesn’t want me to but he doesn’t have to know and he won’t know - i smiled to myself perfect plan - and they cant even use Arthur against me anymore because i can protect him now , i can keep him alive , i can make him immortal , the gods would never dare come near him , i can rip them apart with just a movement of my hand .  
-" i will have our revenge Arthur" i whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapitre 4

-"i wanna hide the truth , i wanna shelter you but with the beast inside there’s nowhere we can hide .  
When you feel my heat look into my eyes , it’s where my demons hide .  
Don’t get too close it’s dark inside , it’s where my demons hide.  
Don’t want to let you down but i am hell bound though this is all for you , don’t want to hide the truth."  
Imagine dragons ( demons).

-" i will have our revenge Arthur" i whispered.  
Arthur was still sleeping like a baby it was nearly 10 am , sun ray was shining on his hair it made it look golden and magical i couldn’t help but stroke his hair a little it was so soft and ARTHUR IS ALIVE , i was sitting on the same position holding his hand for about 10 hours now and i don’t think there’s anything I’d love to do more , i felt rage building inside of me , i hated the gods for taking this away from me for all this years , it has been one thousand five hundred years and 6 months and 8 days but he’s here now and that’s all that matters .  
\- "good morning merlin " Arthur said pulling me out of my thoughts.  
\- "Heeeeeeyyyyy , good morning , how are you feeling ??? , did you sleep well ?" , " lets have you laizy daisy " i added just like old times .  
\- He sat up "Yeah Im alright , did you stay here all night ?"  
\- " of course , you must be hungry I’ll go get you some food " .  
I went to the kitchen and thankfully it was Friday so the maids were here , i picked up everything i could : bacon , sausages, eggs , pies , croissants -ouuuuh arthur would love croissants - pancakes , juice , tea , coffee , water and went back to the bedroom , i really missed this , i really missed him .  
-" hey again , here’s your breakfast " i said putting down the tray of food in bed in front of Arthur.  
-" is there anything else you need ? I brought you all your favorites " i said with a big smile " Oh shit i forgot the cheese , I’ll go get it , just a second " i said .  
-" just sit down Merlin , and EAT you’re so pale you look like you’re about to faint , and what the hell are you wearing " , "what the hell am i wearing " he added looking down at himself , he was in a pair of grey joggings and a white shirt " they’re so soft though , where did you get them , i didn’t know they sold stuff like this in camelot , get me more ".  
-" these are modern clothes Arthur , and no they don’t sell them in Camelot and of course I’ll get you some more " i said with a sad smile , "what do you remember Arthur , whats the last thing you remember ? ".  
-" I, I remembrer...i , i , I DIED , no that’s not possible how can i be alive now ? Or is this heaven ?? "  
-" Yes you died " i said in a cracked voice , tears gathering up in my eyes again , " the great dragon told me that when albion needs you the most you will comeback and now you have "  
-" i wasnt gone for too long you look just like i last saw you except the hair , what did you do to your hair it’s a little bit longer and shiny and doesn’t move , it’s weird ". Arthur said innocently , oblivious to the harsh truth i really really don’t want to tell him , he’s going to be sad when he finds out they’re all gone , but he deserves to know .

-"It’s...it’s been 1500 years and six months and 8 days , i look the same Arthur because i am ... i am immortal ". I said crying now .  
-" No , No , is this some kind of joke ?? its not funny Merlin "  
I hated , hated , haaaaated that look on his face i wish i could do something about it but there’s nothing i can do , it is what it is .  
-" i wish i was , Arthur" i said .  
-"Camelot ? Gwenivere ? The knights ?"  
-"all gone " i said  
Arthur was never very sentimental , he cared and loved deeply , but he wasn’t a crybaby like me , he felt scared , sad , betrayed , doubt in himself...but no one has ever seen that side of him except me , because he was also a king  
And therefore couldn’t afford to be seen weak .  
Everyone knew the king but i knew Both : Arthur and the king .  
He’s eyes started shining with moisture threatening to start tearing up .  
I pulled him in a tight hug , comforting and reassuring him .  
-" We won camlann , gwen ruled for 3 years before marrying leon , he wasn’t crowned the king though because both him and gwen thought Camelot’s one and only king is you , they had a baby girl , things were good in Camelot , gwen made magic legal again , she had a very good relationship with all the kingdoms because of you , morgana and .., and him were gone so they had a peaceful and happy life , the knights were loyal to gwen and were her council , the round table continued on and everything was good because of you Arthur , you brought peace to albion . And because of you it later reunited to become where we are now. You planted the seeds of a better future ."  
-" and you ? What happened to you ?? Were you alright ?? "

after everything he just heard he’s worried about ME ??  
I pulled out of the hug , Arthur had a very concerned look on his face. Well here comes the lying. Im really sorry Arthur.

-" i did a lot of traveling it was so fun i got to meet a lot of people , time really flew by , and before i knew it here you are ." I lied with a big smile a little bit mad but Arthur thankfully didn’t notice .  
-" im glad everything worked out for you Merlin after everything you’ve been through with me ... i know it’s probably too late but im sorry for making you feel like you couldn’t tell me about your magic i thought that i had made it obvious that i considered you my friend and that i would never hurt you but apparently not so im sorry Merlin ." Arthur said with a sad look .  
-" NO , no Arthur its true that i didn’t tell you at first because i was scared you’d have me hanged , and even though i got to know how good-hearted you were i still couldn’t revel my magic to you because i was scared , scared that you’ll feel betrayed and never want to see me again im sorry too." I said.  
Arthur smiled and someone knocked on the door .  
-"YES ?" . I said , then the mortal hannah opened the door and poked her head inside  
-" good morning gentlemen , sir can i talk to you for a sec ".  
-" good morning hannah , sure I’ll be right behind you ". I said , she closed the door and left .  
-" did she just call you sir ?? who is she ?? " Arthur said with raised eyebrows and a smirk .  
-" Oh shut up , she works for me i need to go talk to her about ... about work , yes , she will be ... she’s quitting work , she probably just wants to say goodbye , finish your breakfast I’ll be back in no time"  
I left Arthur’s bedroom and headed straight to my library that’s where we usually had our meetings  
I stepped inside it and she was their , she opened her mouth to talk but i cut her off .  
-" Hey hannah , look , i need you to tell everyone not to ever show up to work including you obviously and to forget everything they saw or heard here , send the guys 5 million$ each , you’ve always been my fav human so take 10 mil $ , byyye" i said with a big happy mad smile , Arthur can never and will never know as far as his concerned im happy fluffy stupid innocent and pure little Merlin.  
-" What , why ?".  
-" WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY , BECAUSE I SAID SO NO GO BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND " i yelled at her suddenly So angry with no reason to be , i really need to manage my anger issues Arthur can’t know.  
-" Yes sorry sir of course, goodbye sir " and she turned leaving.  
-" wait " i said making her turn around to face me again , " im saying it again hannah no one can know about what we did here and most importantly NO ONE can find out who i am , you tell that to the guys as well because i really really dont have time to hunt all of you and your families and the people you snitched on me to and kill you all " i said softly .  
She looked at me with wide scared eyes  
-" oh relax hannah im just kidding " and i started laughing like crazy she joined me too in a confused scared little laugh.  
-" No hannah im not kidding , i will kill you , now go and spend that 10 mil wisely " i said seriously , she turned to leave and just before slipping out of the door i shouted " NO DONT SPEND IT WISELY, WISE IS BORING ". She smiled and waved goodbye to me .  
Back in Arthur’s bedroom he was acting like a little child experiencing the world for the first time he was smelling a bottle of shampoo in the bathroom , when he caught sight of me he gave me a big genuine smile  
-" Merlin , what Is this !! It smells so good , it smells like .. like SUMMER somehow "  
-" Yeah it does , doesn’t it , its a type of sope like the ones we had in Camelot it’s called shampoo but it’s specifically made for hair , here let me explain to you 21st century hygiene while we’re here ..."  
I explained to him everything and Arthur’s reactions were so genuine and precious i don’t remember the last time i looked surprised or fascinated by something , i always look .. i dont know Sad ? Mad ? Angry ? , maybe all three but right now i am happy , Arthur is all i need , i just need to do one last thing wipe out all the gods toys and be happy with Arthur i can make him immortal too , we can be together forever , but not now i need to give arthur a little bit of time to adjust and take a break i mean he was dead for centuries , i would’ve done it right now but unlike me Arthur is fond of the little mortals - i think it’ll break his heart to see that they all got killed by some mysterious disease and only we survived because i managed to protect us but couldn’t do the same to the rest of mortals because im not too powerful - , and i want to give him time he just found out everyone he loves is dead . I hate the gods i wish they would just come down and fight me , why do they have to make me kill the mortals and break arthur’s heart again ?? ...(No one is making you do this merlin , YOU are going to break Arthur’s heart not them , you dont have to do this Merlin , all you need is Arthur ) imaginary Arthur said . ( No im doing it for us , ARTHUR THEY TOOK YOU AWAY SO YOUNG , SO NEEDED , SO LOVED , I WILL PROTECT YOU ARTHUR EVEN IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO ) i said , ( dont you get it merlin I am back and I’m with you , I’m safe ) imaginary Arthur said , ( WHY ARENT YOU ANGRY ARTHUR WHYYYYYY , YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY AT THEM AND YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY ENCOURAGING ME TO DESTROY THE TOYS ) i said , ( Merlin , you know I’ll never do that and please stop calling them toys they’re human beings , their lives matter ) imaginary Arthur said .  
-"NO". I said out loud this time  
-"what ? Arthur said while tying up his shoe laces because i wanted to take him out to discover this new world .  
-" hmm what ? Oh .. nothing im sorry i startled you , hear let me tie your shows ." I said bending down to tie his shoes while hiding my red face , damn it i almost fucked up everything , i need to be more careful... 

Outside , it was a sunny clear-skied day .  
-"Whoa , you own a manor merlin , i didn’t get a good look at it yesterday but damn you’re a lord now merlin ? " Arthur said with a teasing grin  
-"oh shut up sire , theres no such thing as lord anymore , and the only title i need is « King Arthur’s servant » , Arthur looked embarrassed after what i said , i cant blame him we were rarely honest about how we feel towards each other , which was something I’ve always regretted , i was too shy maybe or too dumb ? Too young , yes i was too young , and i hadn’t experienced life without Arthur but now im too old and i know better than to make the same mistake , Arthur is the thing i love the most , again the word love is so underrating to how i feel towards Arthur .  
-" so Arthur the town is a little far so we can’t walk there we’ll be driving in my car , i know you dont know what a car is and everything is so overwhelming but you’re with me it’s going to be okey " i said with a reassuring smile  
He flushed it was so cute .  
-"thank you ."  
Well i guess he figured he’d start being honest too , he did start to be honest before but only for a little because then he died ...we both know that last « thank you actually meant i love you .  
-"So , Arthur this is my car ... car , this is Arthur " i joked trying to chase away the tension and confusion and that little tiny trace of fear from his face.   
I opened the door for him , he got in and i safely secured his seat belt.  
-" not so bad right ? " i said closing the door I ran to the other door and hopped in ."its going to make a sound and we’re going to start moving alright ? " i said  
Arthur nodded probably wishing he had excalibur with him , i wonder where it is ? Aah we left it in the lake , i need to get it back for him.  
I started the car and the engine roared and Arthur went immediately tense and grabbed my arm  
-"its all right Arthur " i said smiling reassuringly .  
-" what the hell is this , do we have to take this , cant we just walk ?" Arthur said  
-" its called a car its like a horse but better, faster , its not alive tho anyways the point is its safe Arthur and no we cant walk its far and dont worry you’ll get used to it Arthur , one day even drive one " i said  
We started moving and he tightened his grip on my arm .  
-" Better ?" i asked him After a little while  
-"yeah ... Merlin you mentioned that the dragon told you a prophecy , about me returning when albion needs me , so what is albion’s need ? "  
-" hmm ... im not really sure Arthur , nothing is going on " i lied , " you dont have to worry about it Arthur even if something does happen i can handle it , whatever it is I’m confident i can protect you Arthur " i said and added " im kind of the most powerful being in the world " when Arthur looked at me incredulously 

-" we became a little cocky didn’t we ? " he said teasing.  
-"im just stating the facts prat " i said laughing , genuinely laughing for the first time in 1500 years , Ive laughed sooooo much over the centuries I’ve laughed many many times a day but not once did i genuinely laugh it was only the madness laughing never me .

We arrived downtown i parked the car got out and opened Arthur’s door and removed his belt .  
-" Welcome to ... to , to the town Arthur" i said  
-" what you dont know its name " Arthur said surprised  
-DAMN IT , so much for world traveler/ Happy merlin , how did i forget to find out the fucking town’s name " Euh,i just ... Euh they changed the names a lot overtime its hard to keep track , if you want I’ll ask some mortal ..."  
-" mortal ?? Why are you calling the people mortals ?" Arthur said  
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK what did i sayyy at this rate he’ll find out everything by night  
-" Euh ... i just forgot sorry wont happen again" i said quickly , so do you wanna go to the park ? , or maybe the mall ?? No the mall is too much for your first day ... we can maybe have lunch in a restaurant or maybe eat out in the park too like a picnic ..?"  
-"what the hell are you saying park ? Mall ?? Res what ...? You’re not making any sense Merlin." Arthur said thankfully dropping the why i referred to mortals as mortals topic .


	5. Chapter 5

Chapitre 5  
-"and i held your hand through all of these years [...].  
Now im bound by the life you left behind.  
Your face , it haunts my once pleasant dreams.  
your voice , chased away all the sanity in me.  
These wounds wont seem to heal .  
This pain is just too real .  
There’s just too much that time cannot erase."  
Evanescence (My immortal).

-"what the hell are you saying park ? Mall ?? Res what ...? You’re not making any sense Merlin." Arthur said thankfully dropping the why i referred to mortals as mortals topic .  
-" you’ll see , come on " i said with a big smile  
We were going to cross the busy road so i grabbed Arthur’s hand .  
He looked at me with wide eyes but didn’t pull away  
-"thats how people cross the road together now" i said not specifying that i mean by people kids and their parents , Arthur is like a child in this world , everything fascinates him and he fascinates me.

I should probably make up a new word for what i feel towards Arthur love is nothing compared to how i feel . 

We had a lot of fun that day , we went to the park and had lunch in a restaurant , we even went to the mall it all went by smoothly and involved Arthur frequently gasping at everything he saw and me answering happily Arthur’s endless questions about what everything was and how it worked , he liked the clothes people were wearing , so i took him shopping , he has such a good fashion sense from a man from the middle ages but Arthur was after all royalty so it makes sense, i was happy that Arthur was happy it was the happiest day of immortal me’s life , we were going to cross the road to get to my car and Arthur reached for my hand because i didn’t -because the road wasn’t busy- it was funny , i smiled at him and reached to grab his hand when something pushed Arthur violently to the road , i caught him him in time , and turned around to see what or who caused this , it was a mortal running he shouted a sorry and kept running , with a flash of gold the mortal was flying in the air and stopped right in front of me , choking from an invisible tight grip on his throat still hanging in the air his hands on his throat trying pathetically and uselessly to free himself.  
-" YOU FILTHY LITTLE MORTAL , HOW DARE YOU ??? " i yelled totally engulfed by rage , he made choking sounds that sounded like music to my ears , someone was talking next to me im not sure what they were saying.  
-"oh right you cant answer , you’re choking " i said with a mad laugh. " the road could’ve been busy mortal , watch where you go this time " i said seriously, " OR NOT BECAUSE THERE WONT BE A NEXT TIME FOR YOU , YOURE DYING AND IT . WONT. BE. QUICK" i said hardly keeping myself together from laughing.  
-" MERLIN LET HIM GO " that someone next to me yelled .  
Wait now that i can hear him , that someone is ARTHUR , Arthur is here ! Wait Arthur is the reason im choking this mortal how did i forget that ?? But most importantly ARTHUR IS HERE AND He’s WATCHING ME KILL A MORTAL.  
With a flash of gold i dropped the unconscious mortal to the ground Arthur sat down beside him to check his pulse .  
-"oh my god , im sorry Arthur im sorry i didn’t mean to.."  
-"merlin he’s barely breathing do something " Arthur said in a tone i don’t know how to explain.  
-"yes okey" i said shakily FUCK FUCK FUCK , with a flash of gold the man woke up i went to help him up trying so hard to not rip him into peaces , he dared endanger Arthur .  
-" hey sir are you alright you fainted " i said my anger at him and fear from Arthur’s reaction definitely obvious.  
-" Yeah ... yeah i think im alright thank you gentlemen " and he got up and left .  
-" WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT" Arthur shouted after the mortal disappeared.  
-" i cast a memory spell on him " i said quietly.  
-" NO merlin , you just tried to kill a man for no reason "  
-" What do you mean for no reason i was protecting you Arthur " i said quietly again , i don’t want this to escalate .  
-" NO MERLIN I DONT NEED YOUR PROTECTION I CAN TAKE CARE OF MY SELF , YOU WERE GOING TO KILL HIM AND MERLIN YOU WERE ENJOYING IT " Arthur shouted again .  
He was angry and he had every right to be , before i throw (the killing is wrong ) morals out of the window the only thing I’ve felt was terrible grief and boredom add to that being a madman , and you get an impossible combination . the first time ive felt anything different was at the witch trials , I’ve felt excited when i killed everyone , and excitement was as far as someone like me could get and after world war two when i let myself go and i started mass murdering mortals i really enjoyed it , like i said it was exciting and exciting was all i had but now i really really didn’t enjoy chocking this mortal i only laughed because that’s what i do , i laugh all the time , i even laugh when im crying , i laugh when im angry , sad - which is all the time- , after all i am a madman , but i can’t tell Arthur about any of that.  
«I can take care of myself i don’t need your protection merlin », really ?? Did he just say that...  
-" that’s what i thought too Arthur , when i left you that one little tiny day and you know the rest of the story ... you died Arthur , im not taking any chances again , do you think it was all fun and games after you died Arthur , you dont know what i ..." , i stopped mid sentence. Shit im saying too much ," Arthur, please im sorry it wont happen again i have a little problem managing my anger i was scared you’d get hurt , you do realize that you are the person i love the most don’t you ? " i said softly , i really just want us to go back home and forget all of this.  
He seemed caught off guard by the love declaration but like i said im too old and he’s too important , i tried to smile brightly at him like old merlin but i failed horribly and gave him a sad hesitant smile , he wanted to argue some more - probably to make me finish that sentence about what happened to me after his death - but he didn’t, i wonder why ,i hope he didn’t catch that something was wrong with me and was feeling sorry for me and didn’t want to pressure me ... no Arthur is not really that observant , im just being paranoid , he probably dont want to escalate things further too after all i am all he has left ...  
we were back home , we had dinner , i helped Arthur get ready for bed and tucked him in bed , wished him goodnight and left for my own room , i lied down on my bed and started thinking about everything that happened , i really really hope This doesn’t change anything between us i may be a ruthless , mad , cruel , murderous , immoral being but none of that can stand a chance against what i feel towards Arthur my love and loyalty to him are literally the only things that survived time , the only thing that old merlin and i have in common.  
But something is off ...how did i forget why i was choking the man ?? Why ??  
( you know why ) imaginary Arthur said .  
-" oh hey Arthur, i do ? " i said out loud , i always talk to him out loud not just when we’re alone , even around mortals , because i simply don’t really care if mortals see me talking to my invisible imaginary friend and think im crazy .  
( Yes Merlin , the same reason you get literally bored to death to the point you lose control , the same reason you have pretty serious anger issues , the same reason you feel withdrawals symptoms when you don’t kill or torture anyone , the same reason you tried to kill yourself with any method possible known and the same reason you see me ... you are insane )  
-" tell me something i dont know" i said  
( this insanity is your mind’s coping mechanism without Arthur you were lost and your mind only had two courses of action die and stop the unbearable crashing terrible grief or to channel all of that to madness and insanity did keep you sane , for a long time , long long time and now Arthur is back and he’s all you need and you’re happy so your mind is confused he doesn’t know what to do with this accumulated madness that he considered his best friend for so long , your mind is trying to push back the madness because she’s no longer needed but he can’t just dispose of it like that it has been who you are for centuries , its messy up there in your head merlin , you reacted to what that man did out of love and need and desire to protect Arthur you would’ve let him go but the madness wasn’t going to just watch you slip away from her , she caught you in that little moment of weakness , Scared for Arthur , you were off guard , she engulfed you and made you forget your motives she wanted you to enjoy it again and go back to her go back to needing her , but you and i both know you didn’t enjoy it , which means the madness is weakening and Arthur’s love is winning , its only a matter of time merlin and you’ll never see me , just hang in there and dont do anything stupid and you know what i mean by that ... the real motive to your revenge is Arthur now Arthur is back so you dont have a motive , Arthur’s love is so strong so madness cant make you forget it but it CAN and it HAD used it against you , its making you believe you’re doing it for him , when in reality its all her , if you wipe out humanity you will break Arthur’s heart even if he never finds out , you will rot inside out knowing that you hurt Arthur , merlin trust me please just wait it’ll all be over soon . You only need Me/ ARTHUR ...please ). Imaginary Arthur said .  
Well that was a lot to take in , i picked up my phone to see what time it is , 3 am , Im so tired i should probably stop thinking and sleep . I heard Arthur’s voice , he’s bedroom was next to mine , it was weak at first and then he started yelling , im pretty sure im having a cardiac arrest , i went running to his room , he was sleeping probably having a nightmare i relaxed he was mumbling and then yelling "No" over and over again .  
I shook him a little to wake him up  
-"Arthur wake up its just a dream " he didn’t wake up so i shook him some more "ARTHUR" , "Arthur its just a dream you’re okey you’re with me " .  
-" M-Merlin ??" He said slowly waking up  
-"yeah yeah its me you’re okey , you’re safe Arthur it was just a bad dream , do you want me to get you something to drink ? Maybe something to help you sleep dreamlessly ? " i said worried.  
-"No thanks , can you stay ?" Arthur said.  
-"of course " i said smilingly , " well , move over im not sitting on a chair all night again"  
Arthur moved and i got in bed next to him , i grabbed his hand and wished him goodnight .

Its been a few weeks since Arthur came back , we go out everyday so i can show him around and teach him about life in the 21st century , along with some history lessons from time to time to give him some context , and the most exciting of all was getting him to try new things , He really loved chocolate and pretty much EVERYTHING that had chocolate in it , he also became addicted to movies and tv shows , he had a particular interest in movies and shows and books where they talk about us , he laughed so much at the disney movie with the old merlin with the long pointy hat .  
He couldn’t get enough from amusement parks , especially the rides that made your heart beat like crazy along with an adrenaline rush , so here we are in an amusement park again for the 6th time this week ,its really crazy how I dont feel boredom and how i don’t have the crazy uncontrollable urge to kill , and how ... I’ve finally let go of my revenge because imaginary Arthur was right what i really want is Arthur so I’ll keep pretending and lying to myself about me still being the merlin he knew until i finally believe the lie -the lie becomes the truth- .  
-" WOW , this is truly amazing , it feels like i just fought with bandits while being outnumbered , minus the situation being actually life threatening. " Arthur said after we just climbed out of a roller coaster , still panting and with a big satisfied smile.  
-" yeah its called adrenaline " i said smiling too because Arthur was smiling , nothing can entertain me or make me smile or make me feel anything anymore , im too old , and I’ve seen everything , murder used to excite me but that’s all , you can’t live off excitement , its like living off ONLY kitkat for mortals no water no food no oxygen only kitkat , excitement was as far as i went and i was left with a big void in my being and a heart that doesn’t beat , its fascinating but not surprising how arthur managed to fill that void and make it disappear the moment he stepped out of that lake , i was just stupid not to see it, all i need is Arthur.  
-" what ? What’s that ". Arthur said  
-" Adrenaline its a hormone that your adrenal glands secrete provoked by emotions like fear or anger ..." i said teasing.  
-" yeah thank you merlin that was so helpful , really insightful , glands and hor-what ?? , whatever lets go eat ." Arthur said sarcastically.  
-" sure , you know the guy who discovered Adrenaline was actually a friend of mine back when i still made friends, he was japanese Jokichi Takamine we never really met we only wrote to each other , he was a chemist , smart guy ." I said while we were waiting for our food at the park’s restaurant.  
-" what do you mean back when you still made friends. " Arthur said  
Of course that’s the only thing that caught his attention , whatever ill tell him there’s no harm in that .  
-" yeah he was actually my last friend he died in 1922 before the second war " i stopped talking when i mentioned the war , im saying too much , the wars were the darkest times of my life after of course Arthur’s death , everyday i spent away from Arthur was dark and maddening and lonely and painful really really painful , after attempting to kill myself for years and literally trying every method known to mankind i think that makes me an expert of pain and its safe to safe that nothing hurt more than saying goodbye to Arthur and existing in a world where he doesn’t. " i just ... when he died i was finally sick of making friends with mortals , they’re entire life times feels like hours to me , it was just pointless ."  
Arthur put his hand on mine and gave me a sad smile , i laughed , he probably thinks im sad that jokichi died He wasn’t really my friend i was only using him , interested in his research because i knew the war was coming and i was hoping he’d ensure indirectly Arthur’s return by providing the us government with biological weapons since he was working in new york at the time , but he failed , then again Einstein - who was also "my friend"- came up with nuclear bombs that destroyed cities and Arthur still didn’t rise , see despite not turning fully psycho and murderous till after the wars , i stopped giving a fuck about mortals waaaaaay before that and hoped that they’d all be in immediate danger of extinction every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single fucking day , and then the wars started and i was the closest thing to happy possible for me , i was soooo hopeful and i waited everyday on the shores of the lake so sure he’d comeback because the world was really being torn apart but Arthur still didn’t rise.  
Arthur gave me another hand squeeze.  
-" he must’ve meant a lot to you , im sorry for your loss " Arthur said looking very worried about me , because apparently I’ve been crying , when did it start i haven’t even noticed ? , Arthur moved closer and hugged me , comforting me , little does he know , im crying because of him , the wars were really dark times i can’t be thinking about them in front of Arthur , i cant be thinking about them at all , i need to think and be Camelot’s merlin , Arthur’s merlin.  
-"yeah he did , thank you " i said drying my tears after the long hug ended .  
-"Merlin i need to tell you something...I’ve wanted to tell you this since the day i returned , i was just waiting for the right moment ... no actually i was scared how you’d react and you know i rarely feel scared ...but im still scared how you’d react , anyways i knew it back when i was .. i was dying , my only regret in life is that i didn’t know it sooner , or that i didn’t act on it because now that im finally aware of it .. now that I finally understand it , i know it was always there , i was just unconsciously pushing it away and pretending its not there because i couldn’t take any risks , i was terrified you’d leave , i could live with having you around even just as my servant but i couldn’t .. i just could never ever imagine life without you and now i have a chance to make things right even though im scared but I’ll do it anyways because it’s you , you’re Merlin and you’re , well , you’re you and i know better now , now i know you better , i know everything you’ve done for me , I’ve never questioned your loyalty before , ive always trusted you the most but anything has limits and i was scared you’d leave me but i was wrong it may be true that anything has limits but you and i merlin , we’re not anything , we’re not like everyone , i know it now , you and i are different we’re special , what we have .. no one has ever experienced it before, its new , its like it was born for us or maybe we created it , i know now with everything that i am , that nothing can come between us and no matter what your answer is i know nothing could change us and i know I’ll always have you and you’ll always have me and again im sorry for leaving you but im really glad you moved on and that’s what’s actually scaring me to be honest , not the fact that you were happy and moved on or yes but not all of it just ..just the part that concerns me because i could be very wrong but i think i saw something in your eyes too that day which gives me hope but even if i was right its been a long time for you and you probably... but i dont blame you , so yeah what’s actually scaring me is that you wouldn’t feel the same not that you might leave me or anything because you .."  
-" i love you too Arthur , more than life itself " i said smiling , and then i kissed him.  
Arthur looked at me with wide eyes.  
-" What ? Its the 21 century no one cares if we kiss Arthur." I said laughing at his adorable expression.  
-"No not that , you ruined the moment i was gonna say it first ". Arthur said  
-" sorry im a little bit impatient but i i did say it first remember ? "  
-" Oh , i didnt know you meant it that way ".  
-" well i did , I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH " , "and no , despite having moved on from your death and everything " , i lied , " i have never stopped loving you " , im not sure that made sense , how could you move on from someone’s death if you still love them , but Arthur seemed too happy and relieved so he let it go and didn’t comment on it .  
-" i love you merlin i really really really do ."  
" but wait how did you know i was going to say that i loved you ?" Arthur said  
-" well besides everything you just said there’s the day you .. you died and i knew you knew it then too , but me , I’ve always known i loved you , i was born for you Arthur you are my destiny , you know what kilgarrah calls us ? , the sides of the same coin , when we first met you were mean to me and basically a prat , i thought you hated me so i went to kilgarrah and told him about it and he told me a half cannot hate that which makes it whole . And despite the fact that we didn’t chose each other if i had a choice i would chose you over and over again , and then there’s everything that happened after you came back , the holding my hand ALL THE TIME , the fact that you suddenly became touchy and didn’t complain about my hugs , and there’s also the fact that we were sleeping in the same bed everynight and you may argue that it was because you keep having nightmares -that even my potions can’t seem to stop which is very weird so I’ll need to give you something stronger and by the way we need to talk about them you cant just keep avoiding the topic - but that argument is invalid because we don’t just sleep next to each other so i could wake you up when the nightmares start , WE CUDDLE , either you just suck at hiding things and im too observant or you weren’t hiding anything in the first place "  
-" you’re right i wasn’t hiding anything i was hoping you’d notice so you’d have time to think about it before i tell you ." Arthur said grinning .  
-"of course id notice you literally went from being a dollophead to being a complete sweetheart , im not complaining i love all versions of you."

We went back home , got ready for bed , even got under the blankets but i just wasn’t tired and i was feeling like having a drink besides Arthur really wanted to try modern day liquor and i happen to have a basement full of all sorts of alcohol .  
Mad and fucking alcoholic , the thought made me laugh out loud.  
-" what are you laughing at ? " Arthur said .  
-" i just remembered this one time gaius was possessed with a goblin hahahaha it was so funny , he picked a fight with leon in the tavern can you believe it ?? , that goblin was really horrible i had to chase him everywhere , i cant really complain since i was the one who released him , but i didn’t mean to i was in the library and i touched something and suddenly a hidden door to a hidden room opened and my curiosity got the best of me , it was really funny gaius and i nearly lost our minds hahahahahhaha ." I said laughing , it wasn’t what i was actually laughing at but it was funny . " and there was this time when this weird lady who worked for the sidhes , you remember princess elena ? Well her made you know her made Grunhilda that mysteriously disappeared during their time in Camelot hahahha well that was me , she was a pixie working for the sidhes anyways it was a long story they were going to sacrifice you and anyways that lady had a thing for gaius i mean thats how we caught her i made gaius pretend he was into her and lure her to ..." I stopped at the look on Arthur’s face .


	6. Chapter 6

Chapitre 6

-" i had all and then most of you , some and  
now none of you .  
Take me back to the night we met  
I dont know what im supposed to do ,  
haunted by the ghost of you , take me back  
to the night we met."  
Lord huron ( the night we met).

.  
-"Arthur whats wrong ? "I said  
-" its just that .. that i feel like , you know , like i dont know you ."  
I held his hands in mine and looked him in the eyes .  
-" look Arthur , its true that you didn’t know a lot about me but i need you to understand that what really mattered to me , who i really was , is loyal to you Arthur and you knew that , my loyalty to you was true and pure and real , thats why its the only thing that survived through time , everything else faded but not my love and loyalty and devotion to you and that’s what matters and you knew it , that’s who i really am , i am loyal and devoted to you and only you , forever."

Arthur gave me a big smile like i just told him that all of this was a dream and that he’s back in Camelot and we won the final battle and gwen just gave birth all at once. 

-" Thank you , ive never doubted you Merlin . " Arthur said happily. " but wait what do you mean everything else faded away with time ?"  
-" i , i , its nothing , you get the point , do you wanna go have a drink ? I feel like drinking tonight."  
-" of course you want to drink , after all you did spend all your free time in the tavern"  
-" when did i ever had free time ?? , and I hate to break it to you but I’ve never been to the tavern except with you , i was always out saving your life but i couldn’t tell you that of course so i asked gaius to come up with something to tell you and he kept telling you the tavern ." I said with a triumphant smile.  
-"what !!!! Remember that time where you asked me to buy you a drink as a reward and i said that i couldn’t be seen buying drinks to my servant ? Let’s go I’ll buy you one now , and i need you to tell me about all your adventures , every single one of them ." Arthur said leading the way to my basement .

We got there and Arthur was mind blown by how much alcohol i had.

-" Do you own a tavern ?? A big big tavern obviously or maybe multiple taverns ?? Is that what you do for a living ? I noticed how really rich you are " Arthur said with wide eyes .  
-"No I’m just a little bit of an alcoholic now."  
-"of course you are " Arthur said mockingly .  
I picked up a bottle of whiskey for Arthur , and multiple bottles of vodka for me , and handed Arthur his bottle .  
-" why do i only get a bottle and you get all of that " Arthur said annoyed.  
-" this isn’t what we used to drink back in Camelot , this is stronger , what you’re having is called whiskey it was invented in 1494 , but take it easy its 63% Alcohol, what im having is a liquor its called vodka it’s my favorite , just a bottle of it is deadly but since im immortal i need at least 4 bottles to be drunk and i dont like whiskey ."  
With a flash of gold i conjured a glass and snacks mainly made of chocolate for Arthur .

-" so what do you wanna know ?." I said pensively .  
-"Everything , tell me about when you first came to Camelot , the day we met , is there something i don’t know about that day too ?" . 

We started drinking ,Arthur from the his glass and me from my bottle , i liked pure vodka it tasted just like how i felt .

-"Oh yeah , you know when you chased me around and couldn’t catch me , started tripping out of nowhere , things falling your way .."  
-"YOU CHEATED " Arthur said .  
-"of course i did , you’re a knight Arthur there was no way in hell i could escape without a little magical help."  
-"but you didn’t escape." Arthur said  
-" exactly " i said  
-" tell me more " Arthur said

First bottle gone a mortal would be dying of alcohol poisoning by now but i only feel tipsy  
-" i have a lot of stories "  
-"we have all night "  
I told Arthur about when i saved his life the first time when Uther made me his servant , about when i saved gwen’s dad which got gwen caught and when i literally confessed that i was a sorcerer and that it was me who saved her dad , i told him about so much stories about us minus the dark stuff like my dad , poisoning morgana , freya ...  
Arthur was full of emotions he laughed a lot and got surprised , was even a little bit jealous about lancelot knowing i had a magic .  
-" Woah i cant believe i never found out i mean you were pretty careless , every time i passed out you were saving the day , but hey i still knew you were smart and wise despite calling you an idiot, you know i didn’t mean it , and i also thought you were the bravest man i know so you didn’t completely fool me , but you were clumsy , that i know for a fact , you’re the clumsiest person ever , oh remember when you fell asleep in the stables , there was horse dung all over your cheek "he said chuckling .  
-" i hate to break to you but i was drugged "  
-" well the other time when you slept and fell off of your horse ."  
-" you made me ride for days with little or no sleep "  
We both laughed , i was drunk now .  
-"remember that time when we went to the tavern and we played that game and i won all of your money .."  
-"let me guess you cheated."  
-"yup"  
-" oh my god you’re unbelievable , i thought you were just good at it because you spent all your time in the tavern ."  
-" no i just cheated " i said grinning , " Gwaine was the one who spent all of his time in the tavern , we did meet him in a tavern after all ".  
-" yeah , when you picked that fight , we were outnumbered and he helped us." Arthur said  
-" yeah , i should’ve spent more time with him , i should’ve went to the tavern with him , i should’ve been a better friend to him like he was to me , you know why i didn’t go with you to the battle ? Morgana took away my magic and i had to get it back , i was defenseless so i asked gwaine to come with me , and he did , he protected me , no questions asked , i loved him he was my friend and i watched him die .  
Gwen was my friend too , gwen was so dear to me i loved her so much she was always so sweet and caring to me ... and i had to watch her die ...I miss her so much , she died in my arms of old age when i still looked just as young as now .  
and Gaius , Gaius was like a father to me he taught me everything about magic he made me who i am now , or who i was . And i watched him die too .  
I watched them all die one by one , knowing i let them down and i failed them and left them when they needed me the most ." I was crying now , Arthur was looking at me with wide , sad , scared eyes , he moved towards me but i stood up fast i started swaying because i was too drunk , when i finally steadied i looked up towards the sky .  
-" CAN YOU BLAME ME ??? WHY DID YOU DO IT ???" I screamed at the gods." WHY DID YOU DO IT " i shouted again . " You know everything , EVERYTHING , you knew what would happen to me without him , you knew it even before i did , you knew it even before we were born , you played us our whole lives wasn’t it enough ??? You had your fun so why didn’t you just kill me too ??? Why didn’t you just take me too ?? , you didn’t even need to do it , all you had to do was leave me alone i would’ve done it myself AND I DID , over and over and over and over again , EVERYTHING I DID IS ON YOU .  
i could’ve died with him and rested in peace with him , we could’ve been together WE DESERVED IT AFTER EVERYTHING , we could’ve rose back together when albion needed us the most ...." i laughed at this and then laughed again and again a hysterical laugh ." IF I HAD DIED TOO THERE WONT BE ANY ALBION’S NEED , YOU PUT IT IN DANGER ONLY TO SAVE IT LATER , I UNDERESTIMATED YOU , YOU WON , YOU FUCKING WON I CANT TOUCH THE TOYS OR YOU BECAUSE IT WOULD HURT HIM ." I shouted at the heavens , rage blinding me.  
"This is all some twisted , sick , game to you and you won . " i said choking on my tears .


	7. Chapter 7

Chapitre 7 

-"You loose your way just take my hand , you’re lost at sea then I’ll command your boat to me .  
Dont look too far , right where you are , that’s  
where i am."  
Lana del rey ( Mariners apartment complex) .

"This is all some twisted , sick , game to you and you won . " i said choking on my tears .

i fell down to the ground and turned to Arthur  
I smiled at him but not like old merlin’s cheerful joyful happy smile but my smile , me , this merlin not the one who died with his king but me the one who kept merely existing after him for fifteen centuries , it was a madman’s smile .

He was looking at me with a mixed expression of being stunned , panicked , sad , terrified.

-"I’m so sorry " i whispered to him , smile disappearing instantly after understanding that i put that expression on Arthur’s face . 

With one last look at the 10 empty bottles of vodka on the floor i passed out .

I opened my eyes , sunshine is blinding me , i closed them again , first thought like always : Arthur .  
Arthur is back i smiled and forced my eyes open and turned my head expecting to see him , he wasn’t there , i shot up straight WHERES HE , he’s probably just in our at home gym , he’s always been an exercise freak but wait how did i get here ?? , we were drinking in the basement yesterday , oh Arthur probably carried me back because i passed out i must’ve drunk a lot good thing im immortal no hangover whatsoever , i wonder if he’s alright though WAIT I DRUNK , i said things ... WHAT DID I DO ????????  
WHAT DID I DO , I RUINED EVERYTHING HE KNOWS NOW  
Imaginary Arthur was standing in front of me , leaning on the wall with his usual armor and red cape ready for battle.  
( he doesn’t know anything but he should)  
-" he knows enough to leave " i said weakly , definitely having a heart attack.  
I ran to the doors pushed them aside and started running everywhere in the manor screaming Arthur’s name.  
( why would he leave ?? Just stop and think about what you said , he only knows that you weren’t okey like you told him , after he died.  
its going to be alright stop panicking )  
-" I DONT KNOW" i shouted.  
I ran into some house keeper i pushed him to the wall  
-"WHERES ARTHUR"  
-"what ..sir.. let me go"  
-" MY HEIGHT, MY AGE , BLOND , DID YOU SEE HIM ???"  
-" i , yes he was just -..."  
-" Merlin what’s going on " Arthur said .  
( see told you he won’t leave , now stop panicking and tell him everything no more lies -..)imaginary Arthur said .

I let the man go 

-" Heeeey Arthur good morning , its just you , you scared me i thought you ... hmm i thought something happened." I said trying to sound as normal as possible but failing miserably , im so so suspicious right now .  
( you have to tell him stop lying to him )imaginary Arthur said  
-" why ? What made you think something bad happened ? " Arthur said exasperated .  
( damn it just tell him , he already knows A LOT IS WRONG WITH YOU , so just come clean ) Imaginary Arthur said.  
-"i , i just you know , we drank a lot yesterday and i thought maybe you were sick and hangover ." I lied , desperately trying to run away from the inevitable , desperately trying to repair something beyond repair.  
( STOP LYING AND TELL HIM , HE DESERVES TO KNOW YOU CANT RUN AWAY FROM THIS FOREVER HE WILL KNOW EVENTUALLY YOURE A MESS YOU CANT HIDE IT ANYMORE HE WILL KNOW SO JUST SAY THE TRUTH ,JUST LOOK AT HIM HE ALREADY KNOWS )  
-" we need to talk merlin " Arthur said firmly.  
( JUST TELL HIM)  
( JUST TELL HIM)  
(SAY IT )  
(SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT )  
-" hmm can we talk later ? Im hungry lets have breakfast first and aren’t you hangover ? I’ll get you something for it ..-" i said with a stupid desperate smile .  
Imaginary Arthur is so loud i couldn’t even hear myself talk  
( JUST TELL HIM YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM YOURE CRAZY YOURE SICK )  
(YOU ARE A MURDERER )  
( YOU WERE TRYING TO WIPE OUT LIFE ON EARTH )  
( YOU ARE A MONSTER MERLIN AND HE IS THE REASON WHY YOU BECAME LIKE THIS ARTHUR IS YOUR WEAKNESS LOOSING HIM IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR AND YOU LOST HIM FOR FIFTEEN CENTURIES AND IT MESSED YOU UP MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY AND YOU DID REALLY BAD THINGS AND YOULL HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THE BLOOD IN YOUR HANDS FOREVER BUT YOU CAN BE A BETTER PERSON FOR HIM BY TELLING HIM THE TRUTH AND LEAVING ALL THE BAD THINGS BEHIND , YOU COULD HAVE A FRESH START HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX YOU ,DONT BE SCARED AND HAVE FAITH IN HIM HE WONT LEAVE YOU HE WONT HATE YOU KILGARAH TOLD YOU A HALF CANT HATE WHAT MAKES IT WHOLE , ARTHUR SAID IT HIMSELF YOU TWO HAVE SOMETHING THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS AND NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE , YOU WERE BORN FOR EACH OTHER . Merlin trust me please stop lying.)  
-"No" i whispered  
Real Arthur looked at me confused  
-"no merlin i dont want to have breakfast i want to talk and you know that so stop whatever this is your doing " Arthur said angrily  
(TELL HIM )  
( TELL HIM) (TELL HIM ) (TELL HIM)  
( MERLIN )  
(MERLIN DAMN IT TELL HIM )  
( JUST DO IT YOU KNOW IM RIGHT ) (DO IT)  
(MERLIN DO IT DO IT DO IT)

-"SHUT UP " i shouted turning around towards imaginary Arthur "YOURE NOT REAL , LEAVE ME ALONE " i screamed at imaginary Arthur.

Imaginary Arthur gave me a very sad smile ( i was real enough for you all of those years ago , remember when you started banging your head against the wall , bleeding out , because you hadn’t seen me for two days , remember all those times i stopped you from killing children in one of your mad psycho murderous episodes when life without him got really hard )  
-" no no no no no , why are you doing this please i cant "  
-" Merlin who are you talking to ???? " Arthur demanded , grabbing my arm and turning me around to face him .  
I couldn’t say anything .  
-"MERLIN TALK TO ME WHATS GOING ON WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO ??? " Arthur said angrily .

( just tell him , i want whats best for you merlin you’re going to be alright all you need to do , is tell him , everything started with Arthur and everything will end with him you cant keep lying to him there’s no escaping this )  
-I turned to imaginary Arthur " this isn’t how i wanted him to know ".  
( you never wanted him to know merlin )  
-"MERLIN STOP THIS WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO , TELL ME NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ???" Arthur yelled at me angrily , "did you really think i wouldn’t notice ??? I knew it the moment i saw you again , i knew something was very wrong with you , you looked the same but you weren’t you , your eyes gave you away so sad and old and tired , and did you really think i wouldn’t notice how you barely say anything how you zone out all the time how you’re always lost in thought , how you laugh humorlessly all the time and end up crying ?? Did you think i wouldn’t notice how you talk to yourself all the time , how you refer to people as mortals and have that dead , indifferent look when you look at anyone or anything but me . I’m not stupid merlin i thought that it was just time , you’re old and fifteen centuries is an awfully long period of time despite you saying it was fun and went by really fast , i knew there was no way time didn’t affect you , i just didn’t want to pressure you i wanted you to tell me when you’re ready but i didn’t know things were this bad , after what i saw yesterday , Merlin please talk to me i want to help you , it was me you were talking about right ? " Arthur said softly now.  
With a flash of gold i made us apparate into my library.  
Arthur looked at me confused  
With another flash of gold the diary i was rereading in the same day Arthur came back the one that 500 years old merlin wrote came flying and resting on my open hand . I handed it to Arthur.  
-" Here , read this , it’ll explain everything , it took me 500 years to be able to write about ... about , hmm those times." I said .

Arthur took it and started reading it , i turned to imaginary Arthur he looked very sad and obviously disapproving and disappointed .

‘Im sorry’ i told him in my head , he and i both know the diary Arthur’s reading only contains half the truth. 

( he will find out ) imaginary Arthur said 

‘No he wont ’ i said in my head , ´ you and i both know he will never forgive me for what I’ve done , I’ve caused carnage and chaos for 73 years I’ve wiped out thousands of mortals ive killed man and women and even children , its true that if i could go back in time knowing that Arthur will come back to me i wouldn’t have hurt the toys just for him and so we wouldn’t be in this position now , but the thing is i don’t regret any of that I’m glad i had a little bit of fun with the toys and angered the gods , i wish i had acted differently but i don’t regret any of it .  
I am a mad alcoholic mass murder who’s not even sorry .Do you understand now why i can’t tell him ? '.  
( you wont get better )  
‘ i dont care ‘  
( it’s torture)  
´ i can take it ‘  
( he’s going to notice)  
‘ I’ll hide it well ‘  
( its war Merlin)  
´I’ll win’  
-" Merlin" came Arthur’s voice , when did he finish reading ? When did he get near me ?  
He looked so so so sad like really really sad .  
-"I , i ... you , hmm ..im sorry , i ..-" Arthur said  
And pulled me into a really tight hug .  
-" Don’t be sorry , I am sorry , i knew the druid would kill you , i knew it all along , i only had one job ... and i failed you so im the one who should be sorry and i am". I said sobbing .  
-"No no merlin you didn’t i swear you didn’t , i know everything now , i know how many times you protected me and Camelot i owe you so much ... im sorry i died ."  
I kept crying rivers and holding Arthur .  
-" are you .. hmm.. do you still see me ?" Arthur said .  
-" yes"  
-" After all this time ? "  
-"Always."  
My heart is beating so fast its so loud , along with the loud choking sobs and my thoughts its really unbearable in my head , its so loud , but then came Arthur’s hand , stroking my hair reassuringly and my head instantly cleared up ,i felt like i was in my twenties again , in Camelot , with Arthur on some adventure. 

-"thank you " i said  
-" for what ? " Arthur said still hugging me and stroking my hair .  
-" thank you for existing."  
-" i didnt know i meant this much to you " Arthur said teasing.  
I wanted to say a lot to this , i had a lot to say to this , but Arthur has had enough today . So i just nodded.  
-" why didn’t you just tell me ? " Arthur said softly .  
-" i dont know.." i lied , of course i know why , because one thing leads to another and there was noway i was going to let him get near finding out about my dark past , but now that he knows i will lose my shit even more by trying to keep my shit together , I’ll need to pretend harder , Imaginary Arthur is going to tear whats left of my sanity apart and there’s a part of me that’s just sick of pretending to be someone I’m not and i frankly hate , old Merlin was pathetic he couldn’t protect the one thing we both love , and another very dangerous part of me wants to tell Arthur everything because now i finally understand that the real reason i wrote that diary was because i wanted him to read it one day and know everything I’ve been through , i needed HIM to tell me that everything was going to be okey , i needed HIM to comfort me , because it’s the only way I’d get better , only Arthur coud fix what was broken in me , because everything started with Arthur and everything can only end with him , but things changed , i wrote that diary over a thousand years ago , I’m no longer broken im dead there’s nothing to fix , it’s all gone , and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this dark eternity without him it’s the fact that • you cant love someone back to life•  
So Arthur really truly can’t know . 

Arthur didn’t pressure me to say anything else he just kissed my forehead and pulled away . 

Its been a few months since Arthur found out about my , my mental issues .. And its safe to say that Arthur like always is the only thing keeping me alive , i know im immortal and can’t die - unless i stab myself with the blade i made the day Arthur returned - but i feel like if i wasn’t immortal I’d die from all that’s happening inside me , there’s literally a struggle , a fight inside of me no actually more like a battle or war , its so real and vivid and painful and there’s no escaping it because it’s in my own head ALL THE FUCKING TIME , im on edge all the time and I’m full of rage and anger and hate and i just wanna scream and turn the whole world into dust -except Arthur OFCOURSE- , its been really really bad and i really don’t want to worry Arthur so every now and then i stop time and scream and set fire to something and watch it burn its kind of therapeutic it makes me feel a little bit better but even that sometimes doesn’t work , my head feels like exploding , my thoughts fighting , so loudly and brutally tearing me apart , each one trying to take over me , killing each other and killing me with them im rotting inside , im dying , its so loud , so , so , so loud .

Today Arthur was in town , he learned how to drive , Arthur practically radiates magic from my protective spells not even someone with my power can hurt him let alone mortals and since there’s no one like me he’s safe . he said he wanted to buy new training equipments , i couldn’t go with him so i pretended to be hangover from all the drinking we did last night when in reality today was really bad i literally can’t hear anything And my head hurts really bad im nearly blind , so i stayed home and now was in the kitchen trying to distract myself with food -unsuccessfully of course-. But the pain really was unbearable i was shaking so hard , panting , covered in cold sweat and very very very angry .  
-" YOU WANT PAIN ?? ILL GIVE YOU PAIN" i roared and i stopped time , i looked up remembering that the kitchen staff were there only to find them frozen in time mouths wide open clearly i scared them when i screamed , two of them dropped what they were holding , there was food hanging in mid air but the look , that look they all had in their faces , that look that I’ve seen so much over the past 1000 years -because I’ve never been discreet about my powers and my insanity after The witch hunts , I’ve been using magic whenever and wherever i want , talking to imaginary Arthur , yelling at the sky ... because i couldn’t care less about what mortals thought about me and if anyone decided to act on it and attack me I’d just kill them , that was way before the wars so i used to justify all the killings with self defense and then I started killing everyone who saw me use magic justifying that by what the pirates used to say «let him live create an an enemy » and « dead men tell no tale » , wise men , the pirates . But it never occurred to me to OBVIOUSLY just not use magic in front of the mortals , or actually yes it did occur to me i just pushed the thought aside so i guess i was a cold blooded murderer even before the wars how lovely. - that horrified look that was followed by comprehension ... and i don’t need these mortals’ comprehension i need Arthur’s but , but i dont want to horrify him .. maybe if i say it nicely ? I mean maybe if i talk slowly and show him how sorry i am ? But im not sorry ... i dont want to lie to him ... he’ll understand i mean they are after all just mortals they’re weak and pathetic and there’s a lot of them i mean I’ve wiped out half of them in diseases but here they are still .. hmm .. what do mortals do ? Well , i guess living their brief little pathetic meaningless and useless life ?? ... he’d understand he..-  
-"NO" i shouted and picked up a knife from the kitchen table and stabbed myself with it in the heart it was so painful it made my mind shut up i laughed triumphantly and then stabbed my self again and laughed some more and stabbed my self again and again and again and again i started laughing and crying hysterically and stabbing my chest until i no longer could so i fell to the ground on my back motionless in a pool of blood my wounds already healing , my mind was clear and it felt good so i just laid there on the kitchen floor until my blood dried i got up cleaned everything including my clothes with a flash of gold my tshirt was full of holes from the stabbing with another flash of gold i mended it .  
I unfroze time and immediately i heard the clatter of dishes hitting the ground , i left the kitchen smirking after throwing a mocking "be careful " at the kitchen staff , i was in a good mood for someone who stabbed himself 20 times actually i was in a good mood BECAUSE i stabbed myself 20 times .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the Harry Potter reference ?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapitre 8

-"how can i say this without breaking ?  
How can i put it down into words when its  
almost too much for my soul alone ?  
I loved and i loved and i lost you and it hurts  
like hell.  
I dont want them to know the way i loved you  
I don’t think they’d understand it , no  
I don’t think they’d accept me , no  
I loved and i loved and i lost you and it hurts  
like hell".  
Fleurie ( hurts like hell)  
  
I was in a good mood for someone who stabbed himself 20 times actually i was in a good mood BECAUSE i stabbed myself 20 times . I need to take a walk but definitely nowhere near the lake , too many memories and i want to keep my head clear for as long as possible . I got out of my back door into my back yard and then through the big gates , i closed the gates ready to cross the street and take a walk , then someone pushed me so hard against the gates his arm against my throat , i looked up from his arm pinning me to the wall , to his face lazily , a young very angry mortal , i didn’t push him or fight him because wheres the fun in that ? And besides this was a very much needed distraction to keep my mind clear some more .  
-" ITS YOU " the mortal shouted at me and then proceeded to throw me on the ground and sit on top of me punching my face .  
It was painful and i heard bones breaking probably my nose ? Cheek ? Doesn’t matter because i can feel it already healing . It was like the stabbing it was so painful and yet i didn’t want it to stop because nothing was quite as messy and loud and painful as what was happening in my head i wanted it to go on forever , forever ? Me the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth hoping such thing ... needing a mortal .. the thought was humiliating , it made me laugh bitterly , but right now I’d rather need a mortal and be humiliated , id rather stab my self to death and back everyday than have Arthur know about me .  
The mortal was standing now kicking me in the ribs , the stomach .. whatever it doesn’t matter it was a good thing i kept laughing which made him angrier he was clearly confused too because i should’ve passed out by now but little does he know , IM IMMORTAL , i laughed some more at this . He grabbed the back of my head slamming my face so hard against the wall my face is probably unrecognizable by now but i know it’ll only take a minute and i won’t even have a single scar , he can’t see my face healing from all the blood covering it , just a little bit more and I’ll get up because Arthur could be back any time now and wipe my face clean and watch that horrified look all the mortals have on their faces when they finally connect the dots and figure out that magic does exist and i have it , right before they die - i used to live for that look -and then well obviously kill him.

As i was enjoying being beaten to death for a little bit more , the mortal beating me suddenly stopped and i heard a thud i blinked away some blood and turned my head , he was laying motionless on the ground , face in the dirt , Arthur apparently had knocked him out .  
-" Merlin are you okey ??? " Arthur said looking frantic and panicked , helping me up to my feet .  
-"im okey Arthur " i said wiping the blood off my face with my sleeve , " see ?" I said smiling at him reassuringly.  
I was stupid so so stupid how could i have been this stupid ?? For a little bit of time off from my head i risked everything i was so desperate and it blinded me ... but i can still fix it i mean as far as Arthur knows im the victim here , i mean I AM the victim this mortal just attacked me out of the blue .  
( mortals don’t attack with no reason merlin and he didn’t try to steal anything he just kept beating you up like you did something to him and remember what he said "its you" he clearly knows you merlin and we all know you’re never the victim.) Imaginary Arthur said .  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck i cant even kill him , he’s unarmed and outnumbered and knocked out i can’t hurt him in front of Arthur.  
-" im sorry what ?" I said looking at Arthur he was holding my head in his hands clearly have been trying to get my attention for some time while i was lost in thought , at the really panicked look on his face i added " relax Arthur im immortal remember ?? " i said with a big smile .  
-"you dont look very okey to me , merlin who is he ?? What just happened ?? " Arthur said voice breaking from concern .  
-" i don’t know him lets just go you’re right i don’t feel okey " i said adding " please" when Arthur hesitated .

And then we heard grunting , the man stood up swaying .He was about to say something  
-"just leave " i said almost begging him."nothing happened just go"

Arthur was looking at me perplexed , I’ll come up with a lie to tell him later , right now we need to get out of here because if the mortal starts talking there’s no stopping him i cant hurt him in front of Arthur .  
I grabbed Arthur’s arm pushing him towards the manor’s gates . 

-"nothing happened ? " the mortal said calmly  
"NOTHING HAPPENED ???" Now shouting, " YOU MURDERED MY FATHER "  
-"that’s ridiculous just please go" i said quickly still shoving Arthur towards the gates .but Arthur stopped moving at the murder part.  
-"stop lying i know everything , my name is Gabriel Keating the son of Sam Keating your STALKER Liam Madox told me everything , my father was a good man and he was extremely healthy and most importantly he was a doctor a heart attack has symptoms he would’ve noticed it coming and went to the hospital . The cops assumed it was a heart attack they didn’t even perform an autopsy on him because there was literally not a single scratch on him and the door was locked from the inside but i know my father i know he wouldn’t just die like this .."  
-" gabriel stop" i said quietly.  
-"My father and i were close , i noticed how he was anxious and stressed , on edge for weeks before he died i asked him what was going on he said he had to make a choice between what was right and what was easy i encouraged him to do what was right i ..."  
-"gabriel just walk away " i said Stealing a look at Arthur he was looking at the mortal stunned.  
-" I HEARD HIM SPEAK ON THE PHONE TO SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY THREATENING HIM MY FATHER TOLD THEM HE WAS GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING AS A DOCTOR AND TESTIFY IN COURT" the mortal shouted.  
-" im sorry about your father gabriel but that doesn’t have anything to do with me now GO" i said trying not to rip the world apart because there’s no way out , if i kill him Arthur knows if i don’t Arthur still knows .  
-"doesn’t have anything to do with you ??? My father died on the exact same night i heard him make that call , After my father died i did some research and i found out he was going to testify in court against some very powerful people , the police were convinced that he died from natural causes i mean the door was locked from the inside for god’s sake which made me doubt myself and my dad at first too but then i figured that it doesn’t really matter how they did it what matters is that IT WAS DONE , i didn’t give up and i searched for similar cases i found a lot of people all presumed dead by natural causes , all of them important people all of them died alone with the door locked from the inside , coincidence ??? The universe is rarely that lazy , i investigated people who would benefit from their deaths got their phone records and the phone records of the people who had my dad killed , it took me years but i finally found a connection , a phone number it took me months to trace it back to Liam madox and then eventually you . You murdered my father."  
-" are you listening to yourself ?? Do you think im a killer who can walk through walls and kill without touching the victim ?? Thats just absurd ." Arthur knows for a fact i can actually do all of the above but for a mortal to think that .. i need to make him look crazy to Arthur , i need to discredit him.  
-" you attacked him and now you’re accusing him of cold blooded murder ?? Its your word against his and who in their right mind would believe the crap you’re saying , leave before i make you . " Arthur said sharply , apparently i don’t need to do anything because Arthur believes me , it kills me to lie to him .  
-" do you think i have nothing but words after all of these years ??" The mortal said , reaching a hand in his pocket and throwing a bunch of pictures on the ground .  
Arthur and i looked down to see them .  
-" as you see there ITS YOU and liam madox inside this very castle we’re standing in front of and the other pictures are of you in front of our house the night of my dad’s murder , the police didn’t even bother to check the street cameras thats how convincing this whole thing was to everyone BUT NOT TO ME"

I only needed to take one look at the pictures to know that my life was over , all i could do was look at Arthur and see how his face twisted and twitched with pain , he was frozen and so was i , Arthur seemed like he just witnessed the end of the world , he looked up at me and he had this look ..not like the one he had when he found out about morgana’s betrayal , or Agravain’s , or even the one he had when mordred stabbed him it was different it was worse it made me wish i was never born .

-" now why did you do that gabriel ? " i said  
Quietly." Why didn’t you just walk away , i really tried to be a good guy... i really did " i said softly.  
Gabriel reached inside his pocket and pulled a gun and fired 3 shots at my chest .  
-"MERLIN " Arthur shouted and came running towards me he stopped midway when he saw how i barely flinched and the big smile on my face .  
I removed the bullets from my chest with my bare hands and threw them away one by one .  
Gabriel looked horrified , he dropped his gun to the floor and looked about to faint .  
-"hhhoww ??" He whispered , shaking.  
I stepped closer to him .  
-"now you know how i killed your father " i said calmly. " to be honest i don’t even remember him i mean whats one little pathetic mortal life in the sea of mortals I’ve killed over the years , its quite hard to keep count. " i said smiling .  
"Say hi to your daddy from me " i said right before i snapped his neck with a flash of gold . With a thud His body dropped lifeless to the ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the sherlock reference ?  
> And the how to get away with murder reference ?


	9. Chapter 9

Chapitre 9

-"you are my sunshine , my only sunshine , you make me happy when skies are grey , you’ll never know dear how much i love you , please dont take my sunshine away .  
The other night dear as i lay sleeping i dreamt i held you in my arms , but when i woke dear i was mistaken so i hung my head and i cried ."  
(You are my sunshine)

"Say hi to your daddy from me " i said right before i snapped his neck with a flash of gold . With a thud His body dropped lifeless to the ground .  
-"WHY DID YOU DO THAT ???? HOW COULD YOU KILL HIM ?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?? HOW THE HELL DID..." Arthur yelled furiously.  
-" im so sorry Arthur, but he killed me first"  
-"what the hell are you talking about ?? You’re sick , you .." Arthur shouted at me , stopping when i made Liam apparate out of thin air .  
Liam looked shocked and I’ve never seen him shocked he always had a dead indifferent look and that’s why i hired him.  
-" LIAM HEY " i greeted him laughing madly now , there’s no reason to hide anymore , Arthur knows and I’ve lost him , i don’t have anything else to lose. I grabbed a handful of liam’s hair from the back of his head and pushed his head downwards so he would look at gabriel’s dead body and then i turned his head so he could face me .  
-" do you know why i hired you Liam ? Why i broke you out of that prison ? Because i thought you were like me , you hated god and humans for abandoning you , you had so much hatred in you and i saw something in you , you were different so i gave you what you wanted most in life : a reason to live , and revenge from the society that failed and abandoned you . And i know i was right about you Liam because for 12 years you worked for me you were only 28 and now you’re 40 , you aged and i didn’t but you never questioned me , all those mortals i killed and you never asked me how i did it , you weren’t so curious and nosey like the rest of the mortals , you were loyal and i actually trusted you , which is why i need to know why you did it ? " i said calmly with a sad smile.

Like i said Liam was different , he quickly got over the shock and didn’t ask useless questions .  
-"he kidnapped my wife and daughter " liam said  
-" and ??" I said exasperated  
-" he was going to kill them "  
-"yes yes yes whatever that’s irrelevant just answer the question why did you do it ??"I said really exasperated , when did he become this stupid ??  
He looked confused and didn’t say anything  
-" well speak , did you swallow your tongue ??"  
-"he had my family "  
-"yes yes i know you already said that why are ............WAIT you snitched on me because he threatened to kill your family ???" I asked stunned  
He tried to nod but my hand was still gripping his hair firmly so he just blinked.  
-" THEY WERE MORTALS IF THEY DONT DIE TODAY THEYLL DIE TOMORROW OR THE DAY AFTER THAT OR EVEN A HUNDRED YEARS LATER , WHAT DIFFERENCE DOED IT MAKE ??? ITS LITERALLY NOTHING , YOU BETRAYED ME SO YOU COULD DELAY THE INEVITABLE HOW STUPID IS THAT " i yelled at him angrily , how could he be this stupid.  
He looked horrified , eyes wide with fear . "I’m very disappointed in you Liam " i said as i ripped his heart out and crushed it into dust . 

Arthur backed away from me a few steps I’ve never seen Arthur back away from something  
-" im not going to hurt you Arthur ." I said softly stepping closer with old merlin’s smile even though he knows its just an act now . I don’t know what to do I’m lost. I really am lost.  
For the first time since gabriel showed us the photos i locked eyes with him and i knew i was wrong it wasn’t fear in Arthur’s eyes it was anger and disgust and horror , he backed away because he was disgusted from me. 

It really is over . I smiled bitterly  
-" You killed two people in cold blood " he said quietly.  
-" actually three " i said as i made hannah my other assistant besides Liam apparate.  
-"Hi hannah " i said smiling brightly as i grabbed her chin and turned her face towards the bodies so she would understand why she’s going to die because i specifically warned her that I’d kill her if anyone talked . " bye hannah" i said right before i ripped her heart out too and crushed it into dust .  
It all happened fast , between the ”actually three” and the "bye hannah" only a few seconds has passed . So Arthur couldn’t stop me .  
He was shocked to the core , he punched me so hard i fell to the ground at once .  
I couldn’t help but laugh i don’t know why , this wasn’t funny at all , but i just couldn’t stop laughing .  
Arthur held me by my shirt’s collar and hauled me up and pushed me so hard against the manor gates .  
-"DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY ???? YOURE A COLD BLOODED MURDERER , YOU DISGUST ME , WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU ???? HOW DID YOU END UP LIKE THIS ??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ??? " Arthur yelled , his face red , enraged

I laughed again and that earned me another well deserved punch .  
-" do you wanna know why you came back Arthur ? I lied to you , i know why i know what the danger on albion is , and not just albion but the whole world , its me " i said smiling

He grabbed me by the collar again , panting and his Hands shaking .  
-"Oh my god .." Arthur whispered horrified.  
-" Nah , god is dead and i killed him ...i mean not really dead but he or they are as good as dead , they’re powerless in front of me , the only thing they had against me was you , so that day you came back Arthur , the exact moment you came back i was about to kill the toys i mean the mortals and then kill myself with this " i said conjuring the excalibur-like blade . " and then go to the other world and kill the gods. this and our life in Camelot , our destiny , everything we’ve been through ...its all just a sick twisted game to them they were using us to entertain themselves , they made Albion in danger only to save it , because this is all some sort of entertainment to them we are pawns , we’re toys , and you and i are their favorite toys , we are the big toys , they just love us and find us so entertaining to the point they’ve been playing with us for a millenium and a half while they play with the little toys -mortals- for just a few years before they threw them . "  
-"Those nightmares i used to have , being somewhere full of light like i was in the sun , i had to squeeze my eyes shut so i don’t go blind and all i kept hearing was "dont trust him" , it was them , they were warning me that’s why your simple sleeping potion didn’t work because they were no ordinary nightmares , but then you put that protective spell on me and it made them stop , i knew the "him" the voice was referring to was you , but i didn’t doubt you for a second , i didn’t even tell you about the nightmares so you wouldn’t feel like you had to explain yourself to me , because i trusted you merlin more than myself."Arthur said angrily.  
-"HOW DARE THEY TALK TO YOU " i shouted angrily , how dare they ??? My blood was boiling inside of me . I made thunder struck once and twice and then more i couldn’t stop i was so angry i wanted to hurt them ."GET DOWN HERE AND FIGHT" i shouted at the sky.  
-"MERLIN STOP , YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE BECAUSE OF YOU , YOU DONT HAVE ANYONE BUT YOU TO BLAME " Arthur yelled at me shaking my shoulders so i would stop the thunder and the upcoming storm.  
-"they know everything Arthur , they knew what would happen to me without you . And they still took you away." I said calmly , "you’re right maybe I’ve always had this darkness inside of me , but they knew that too Arthur and i know for a fact that they were counting on it because you came back on the same day i was going to wipe out life . So am i really the only one to blame ? All I’ve ever asked for was to die with you , everything i did Arthur , all the blood in my hands is on theirs too."  
-" so its true then , you killed that man’s father , and you said you couldn’t even remember him from how much people you killed " Arthur said slowly , horror struck.  
-"i tried Arthur , i really tried to be good , but i got bored , in that dark eternity and the mortals were so weak and delicate easy to break , it was tempting , very tempting , i managed to stop myself for a thousand years until the witch hunts , they were hunting down anyone involved in witchcraft." I said quietly , and then i smiled a big genuine smile " they attacked me " i said laughing now , "they tied me up to a stake and set me on fire " i said laughing so hard i had to grab the wall for support. "I felt something then -other than grief - , for the first time in a thousand years , i felt EXCITED. Do you know what i did Arthur ?" I said trying to steady my voice from all the laughing. " I BURNED THEM DOWN ALL OF THEM , THE WHOLE VILLAGE " i said with a big crazy smile .  
-"STOP" Arthur said .  
-" the men.."  
-"I SAID STOP"  
-" the women "  
-"merlin no" Arthur breathed out  
-"OH YES !! and the children , every last one of them ". I said smiling .  
Arthur looked just like i felt.  
-" it felt good , but i knew you’d never approve , so i justified what i did with just self defense .  
And i promise you i didn’t kill anyone without them attacking me first for a long time" i said seriously , but then i smiled and continued "but then again i never hid my magic in a world where different meant dangerous so i guess that doesn’t make it any better."  
-" i cant believe this , YOU ... merlin ... enjoying murderer .." Arthur said quietly looking at me with wide devastated eyes .  
-" i believed in the gods , i believed in them and in your return for 1445 years Arthur , its true that i did bad things before but I’ve always needed a reason , I’ve always needed to justify why i did the things i did , i kept making up reasons for why i am the way i am for why i did the things I’ve done , even though deep down i knew why , it was because i was dark and mad and very bored and angry and sad and the mortals were weak and therefore very tempting. And the lying to myself and the need to justifie actually helped and i had you , well not really you but the imaginary you , sometimes the smell of blood would drive me out of control and i would lose myself , the only one who could find me and bring me back was him/you . But then the world wars started and i was the closest thing to happy , To be honest ever since you died i picked up a particular interest in wars , i loved them , the deaths the chaos ... they gave me hope , hope that you would come back and every time you didn’t i suffered great disappointment i would put myself to sleep for years just to numb the pain . But when world war one started i was so sure that you would rise again , it was terrible and i loved it , I’ve waited for you its entire time on the lake shores , and then it was over but i knew it wasn’t really over so i kept waiting hopeful and i was right just a few years later world war two started , it was pure chaos i spent the entire seven years of it on the lake shores , everyday and everynight Arthur , i would forget to blink , to breath , obviously i didn’t eat or sleep , just staring at the lake , thinking any second now he’ll be back FOR SEVEN YEARS Arthur for seven fucking years , and then the war was over and you still didn’t come back , the total number of military and civilian casualties in world war one was forty million , 56,4 million people died in world war two plus 28 million deaths from war related disease and famine , two nuclear bombings , it was the bloodiest deadliest war in human history "  
I stopped talking because i was choking on my tears . I took a deep breath inhale and exhale , inhale exhale , inhale exhale , inhale exhale.  
"After the wars it felt like sending you on that boat all over again , i thought that if you hadn’t returned then , it was because you were never coming back and the gods played me AGAIN , and that was IT for me Arthur . you are ... you are , the thing i love the most .. no no love is an understatement , my heart literally stopped beating when you died , because i died with you and only my immortality was keeping me standing , and i wanted to die so bad Arthur , i wanted it all to just stop ... but the only thing that could kill me is a blade forged in a dragon’s breath like Excalibur , but there are no dragons left but i was powerful and i knew i was getting more powerful as i age , i knew it was only a matter of time before I’m powerful enough to forge that blade without a dragon’s help and i had it all planned out , i was going to wipe out life and myself with it and then go to the hereafter and murder the gods and just ... well , cease to exist . And do you know what i did in all those years I’ve waited ? I’ve caused famine , war , diseases , I’ve mass murdered humans more than i can remember . And then that got boring too so i became an assassin and killed people like gabriel’s daddy . And then on one special day i had finally reached the power i needed and i was going to do it Arthur , but then you came back to me and i failed and it was the happiest day of my life . I was still planning on killing the toys i was going to give you some time to settle in and kill them all , make it look like a natural disaster that i was only powerful enough to protect the both of us from .... but i quickly let that plan go because i couldn’t bear to see you heartbroken , i know how much the mortals mean to you and nothing matters to me more than you Arthur Pendragon." I said calmly with a very genuine sad smile that old Merlin never had.  
-" tell me you regret it , tell me you’re sorry? " Arthur said sounding very desperate , his voice breaking from crying too .  
I couldn’t say anything , i couldn’t even look at him , i hated myself but this is who i am .  
-" please , tell me merlin " Arthur whispered , his voice failing him , he sounded so helpless and desperate and devastated it felt like a blow to my soul.  
-"i am sorry Arthur , to you . if i could take it back i would but i don’t regret any of it ."  
-"you’re a monster. " Arthur said breathlessly , rage radiates from him , he was shaking violently , hands clutched into fists clearly stopping himself from hurting me , i wonder why ? I’d deserve it." There’s no excuses to what you’ve done ... its just pure monstrosity , and dont you dare say it was for and because of me , i was just your king , we had a destiny together , we were supposed to unite albion and legalize magic together and it didn’t work out , YES its sad , it’s terrible but that was it for you , our destiny was something out of your control, something you didn’t choose , it couldn’t have possibly affected you this way , you’re immortal and a millennium and half old , whats one person in all the lifetimes you’ve lived ???  
. Its . Just . not . possible. " Arthur shouted. 

-" Destiny ?? Do you think that was it ?? , well you’re wrong , things started with destiny but quickly YOU became my priority , i protected you , not because i had to but because i wanted to , i was always by your side , not because i was destined to but because i chose to , i stopped caring about destiny along time ago and started caring about you instead , do you remember the sorcerer Edwin who claimed to have a remedy that cured all ills , do you remember how your father appointed him to be court physician instead of Gaius and ended up being poisoned by him as a revenge for uther killing his parents , Uther was dying and according to our destiny i should’ve just let him die because our time cannot come until Uther’s has passed and those were the exact words The great dragon used . But i still saved him for you . Remember when uther had gwen’s dad executed and he and morgana went to visit her dad’s grave and they got attacked ? Well it was morgana who planned the attack , she was going to kill Uther so i followed them to stop her , she didn’t do it eventually but the point is , i was there to stop her in case she tried to , for you . And you saw old me on the mountain the day of the battle , did you remember me ? I was the sorcerer you brought to heal your father , i did try to heal him but morgana had agravain put a necklace on him that backfired my magic and killed him . But the point again is : i wanted to save him for you , it’s true that i wanted you to trust magic , that i wanted it to be legal again , that i wanted to stop living in hiding and fear but that came second to me and you were always first.  
Do you remember that woman who was cursed to turn into a Bastet ? She was brought to Camelot by bounty hunters only to escape , do you remember how you and your men and the bounty hunters encircled her and how you mortally wounded her ? , her name was Freya and i loved her , i was even planning on running away with her , leave it all behind for her , and you killed her Arthur and what did i do ? I chose you , i thought i could leave you and be with her , i was young and stupid but now i know better there was no way i could’ve been with her because would i have still chose her if she killed you ? , I’ve always tried to sacrifice my life for you , do you seriously think I’d do that because a dragon told me to ? Everything I’ve done was for you Arthur , not the once and future king who was destined to unite the five kingdoms and legalize magic but you just you Arthur , YOU.  
You said that we just shared a destiny we didn’t choose , a destiny that eventually didn’t work out , is that..., is , is that all i am to you ?"  
-"No , of course not .but merlin your hatred for what the gods did to us is blinding you , it blinded you on the fact that you were doing to people exactly what you hated to be done to you , you played god merlin , taking lives and causing chaos , you’re just as bad as them , you are everything that you hate Merlin." Arthur said slowly with a very sad , sorrowful look , talking like he’s explaining to a two year old why he shouldn’t hit his brother.  
-"no " i whispered , thats all i managed to say.  
-"Yes merlin and do you know what else your blind to ? The fact that I AM a mortal too merlin , you told liam that his family’s life was short ana meaningless , that them dying today or tomorrow or even a hundred years later changed nothing. I know that a year to us feels like a day to you , so why did my inevitable death affect you this much ? Even if i didn’t die on camlann i would’ve died eventually , lets say i managed to live until i was a hundred years old , that’s like a few weeks to you Merlin , like you said , it doesn’t change anything , but it did .. so why ? The answer to that brings us to another thing you’re blind to , the fact that you were once a mortal too , that there was a time when a year actually felt like a year to you and a decade like a decade to you , there was a time when you felt just as powerless and helpless in front of the gods as the rest of us , you hurt me more than them merlin ." Arthur said and left.

I couldn’t say anything or even follow him , i was frozen.  
‘But I AM the victim here’ i thought 

( you are what you are Merlin , you’re no victim , you have a lot of darkness in you , just accept that but make sure you don’t act on it from now on .) imaginary Arthur said.

‘ he’s right... all those people I’ve killed , the , the children , i , i murdered them , they didn’t even know why they had to die .’

( you’ve made mistakes Merlin , its not too late , you have all the time in the world to fix this , you can be good now , you’re not completely bad ..-) 

‘ fix what ??? I cant bring them back from the dead , do you think if i could we’d be in this mess now ?? And in what world am i not completely bad ??? Why didn’t you tell me ??? Why didn’t you remind me of who i am ??? Why did you let me play those people like i was played ?? You watched me kill all of those people ?? You stepped up to me from time to time but why didn’t you stop me for good ???’

( how could i ? You do realize I’m you and i only know what you know , i didn’t tell you any of that because i simply didn’t know too , i dont know why i stepped up to you , all i know is that sometimes you went too far and i couldn’t just watch , and that’s how i know you’re not completely bad because im the good part of you merlin . )

‘ didn’t you see the evil im capable of ? I’m dark and damaged beyond repair.’

( it is our choices that show who we truly are , far more than our abilities) 

‘It doesn’t matter he hates me’.

I went searching for Arthur , he was standing by the lake shores , he heard me coming but didn’t turn around , i sat on the grass next to him facing the lake .

-" you’re right Arthur , and im sorry , i really am , to you and to all the innocent lives i took in my fight with the gods , i wish i could take it all back , i regret everything deeply , but i am what i am Arthur and i am not sorry for who i am. ." I said calmly , he still wouldn’t look at me."you know everything you need to know about this world , you’re a fast learner " i said smiling , " everything i own -which is a lot - is under your name too Arthur , you’ll never have to worry about money , my protective spells will remain on you until the day you die which is not going to be anytime soon thanks to them " i said , " even when im gone " i added.

-"what do you mean gone why are you telling me this " Arthur snapped at me , finally turning around to face me , clearly still angry .

-"You have every right to hate me and i cant make you stay with me , but i can’t live without you anymore either" i chocked out smiling sadly , trying to take as much of his face with me .  
Arthur looked at me perplexed , while he was processing what i just said i added " im sorry , its been an honor to serve you sire" and i conjured my blade and aimed it towards my heart . 

I heard a NOOOO and Just before the blade pierced my flesh it flew away .  
I look around trying to figure out what just stopped my suicide attempt.  
Arthur was standing over me with excalibur in his hand , he’s face red with so much emotions mixed together . He sank to his knees in front of me , dropped excalibur next to him and put his hands on my shoulders.

-" why ?" He whispered. " i have every right to hate you merlin , but i don’t , i told you merlin that you and i are different , what we have is different , and i need you , not the servant merlin or the sorcerer merlin , not even as the only person i have left from camelot but You , just you Merlin , YOU . Stay with me ."  
And he pulled me in a very tight unexpected hug .  
-" where did you get excalibur ? " was all i could say .  
-" it suddenly showed up on the lake water just when you conjured yours " he said bitterly.  
-"im sorry " i said genuinely tightening my grip around him ." i wonder why"  
-" i owe my life to whoever put it there" Arthur said.  
-"no you dont , i think its the gods "  
-"why would they help us "  
-"they wouldn’t , they put it there so i wouldn’t come for them "  
-"whatever they’re intentions were im glad they did it ."  
-"im glad we forgot to look for it too." I said .  
-"yeah.."  
-" so .... hmm will you ..hmm..-"  
-" what ? Just spit it out Merlin "  
-" will you marry me Arthur ?" I blurted out  
Im sure my cheeks are scarlet red but Arthur can’t see that since we’re still hugging.  
Arthur didn’t say anything for a few seconds so i tried to pull away to look at him but he held me tighter .  
-" you know this isn’t really the time or place for this ." Arthur said Clearly embarrassed.  
-" oh sorry "  
-" but of course yes"  
-" why did you hesitate ? I mean i don’t blame you i am a mad alcoholic thousand years old serial killer after all ." I said laughing humorlessly.  
-" what matters is that you regret the past and im here for you now , we’ll make the right choices this time , together , it’s going to be okey . And i didn’t hesitate i was just thinking how you have this gift of making me make big decisions in very little time , like accepting your magic , and accepting your past now , and now even marrying you ."  
-"wanna make another big decision in little time again ? "  
-"what ?"  
-" i know its selfish but will you be immortal with me ? "  
-" its not selfishness its love ."  
-"so is that a yes ? "  
-"yes"  
-"i love you Arthur Pendragon."  
-" i love you too Merlin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the Harry potter reference ?  
> I hope you liked it .

**Author's Note:**

> I suggest you read : like the cycle of the year we begin again .  
> Its a great fic


End file.
